Tag: trauma
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Abuse Tactics: Blame Shifting
Wiping the Slate Clean One way that abusers can get away with their abuse for so long is by blame shifting: pinning all of their bad behavior on someone else. No matter how awful they are, they will preserve their image (to themselves and others) if they manage to put the blame on someone else. It… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Transactions Used as Justification
“They Took the Money, Didn’t They?” People who are harmed sexually will often face scepticism about the severity of the abuse if any sort of transaction occurred. If they got paid, were gifted a trip or a handbag, or even if they had an orgasm, these can be interpreted as evidence that the incident was “mutually beneficial”, and therefore… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: The Role of Community
Abuse Rarely Happens in Isolation Abuse is often thought of as something that happens between two people: an abuser and a victim. However, this dynamic rarely exists in isolation. Those around them can influence whether the abuse thrives or comes to an end. A supportive community can help someone recognize what is happening, believe their… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Altered Reality
Wearing Away Their Reality All of the following abuse tactics are ways that perpetrators hide the reality of their abuse in order to reduce pushback to it. Once someone’s sense of reality is destabilized, they won’t fight back or hold the abuser accountable because they no longer trust their own perspective. Similarly, this veil can… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Kindness Disguising Abuse
The Villain Acts Like a Hero Abusers rarely present themselves as villains. If cruelty looked outwardly cruel, fewer people would fall for it. Usually, they will cloak their cruelty under an illusion of kindness in order to gain the victims’ trust, and confuse the victims so the abuse can continue. This illusion also keeps their… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Use of Power Imbalance
A power imbalance isn’t inherently toxic. It only becomes so when it is exploited or when it is intentionally engineered for the purposes of exploitation. Financial & Emotional Reliance The first power imbalance that many people experience is that between a parent and child. Parents can give, deprive, or threaten to take away such things… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: The Use of Force
Force as Action The use of physical force is one of the most recognizable forms of abuse, although it can still go unacknowledged because it often escalates over time. It involves someone using their body (or an object) to harm or restrain someone. In her memoir Nobody’s Girl, Virginia Roberts Giuffre frequently references this type of… Read more
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The Price of Seeking Help: When Mental Health Records Become Liabilities
At the Doctor’s Office I had a doctor’s appointment today to fill out some occupational health forms for a new job. They checked my ears, eyes, lungs, weight, reflexes, medical history, and more. But there was an awkward moment. My doctor told me that he would unfortunately need to indicate my past “Emotional Problems” on… Read more
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When I see Myself Through His Eyes…
When I See Myself Through His Eyes… I always get less than I deserve. I am a thing, not a person. I am a side character. I exist for others, not myself. My value is in my appearance, yet somehow I am overworked. I am depleted. When I See Myself Through My Eyes… I am worthy… Read more
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He Called it Love
Why Did My Strength Make Me More Vulnerable? He called me a hard worker, he meant it as a compliment, but I have come to loathe this praise. It started as a virtue of mine, but has turned into a trap. I am exhausted and depleted. What has my hard work accomplished except to empty… Read more
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Death is the Only Boundary That They Won’t Cross
Innocent to Aware When I was young, I believed that every person on earth was a blessing. And then I grew up. My thoughts on this have been refined by time and trauma. I still believe that every person is born a blessing. But whether or not they stay one is based on their behaviour.… Read more
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Book #52- Reflections on “The Psychology of Money”
Book #52 The Psychology of Money By Morgan Housel The Making of a Financial Mindset When I was a child, I would sneak $20 bills into my parents’ bedroom dresser when they were fighting. Like most married couples, their fights were about money. And, like most children, I believed it was my responsibility to fix… Read more
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Causes of My Depression That Had Little to Do With My Brain
Is Depression Caused By a Malfunctioning Brain? Right off the bat, I want to stress that I am not a doctor, so this post is in no way intended to provide medical advice. What I am hoping to achieve is to normalize the topic of depression and humanize it with lived experience. Depression can make a person… Read more
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The Long Road to a Split-Second Decision: How Character is Built Before the Moment
The Making of an Impulse Our split-second decisions might feel erratic, but they aren’t random. They are connected to our long-term behaviour. It isn’t an obvious, direct correlation. Sometimes we can surprise ourselves in the moment; we might be overcome with panic, confusion, or another strong emotion. But other times our responses are entirely predictable.… Read more
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An Uncomfortable Pattern in 46 Books
Good & Bad Themes During My Book Reading Challenge Throughout my year-long Reading Challenge, I have intentionally selected books that span a wide range of topics, voices, and experiences. And many positive themes keep appearing- like the importance of self-expression and community. But some disheartening patterns have surfaced too, such as the prevalence of sexual… Read more
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Book #46- Reflections on “I’m Glad My Mom Died”
Book #46 I’m Glad My Mom Died By Jennette McCurdy An Unexpected, But Familiar Story I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy is an account of the author’s life as a former child star, which was heavily influenced by her overbearing mother. It reminds me of another book I read during my 52-Book Reading Challenge: The… Read more
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Blooming & Wilting Under Another’s Gaze
When a Gaze Grows a Person Have you ever had someone look at you with stars in their eyes? Their face lights up. Both of you seem to expand to a place where every colour is brighter, every smell sweeter. You feel warm inside. Loved. This person could be your mother, father, partner, perhaps even… Read more
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Jekyll & Hyde as a Couple: The Hidden Pattern in Toxic Relationships
Something Familiar About Jekyll & Hyde After reading The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I wrote a blog post exploring three ways the “Hyde” in each of us can appear in modern life. In both that post and Stevenson’s novel, Jekyll and Hyde represent two sides of a single person: Dr. Jekyll is… Read more
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Book #43- Reflections on “The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde”
Book #43 The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde By Robert Louis Stevenson Last week I read Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream and was surprised by how relevant its themes are to our modern world. This week, for Halloween, I picked up The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, and it feels jarringly applicable… Read more
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Confused Affections
By all the vows that ever men have broke (In number more than ever women spoke), – Hermia, A Midsummer Night’s Dream A Man Teaches a Girl About Love I was a young teenager when a man forty years older told me: “You just have to tell a girl you love her a thousand times and then she will sleep with you. You don’t even have to mean it.” He was… Read more
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Book #37- Reflections on “By Chance Alone”
Book #37 By Chance Alone By Max Eisen One Book to Represent Them All I have now read my 37th book of my 52-Book Reading Challenge: By Chance Alone by Max Eisen. So far, this challenge has contained books of all different genres: fantasy, memoir, self-help, socio-political, and more. And two themes have come up again and again,… Read more
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Book #36- Reflections on “Milk and Honey”
Book #36 Milk and Honey By Rupi Kaur This poetry book addresses sensitive topics such as sexual abuse and emotional manipulation. It may not be for everyone. My intention with this blog post is to lift some of the burden and trauma off of those who have gone through this, and move the conversation toward… Read more
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Book #31- Reflections on “Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People”
Book #31 Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People By Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD Disentangling Disentangling isn’t a clean break. It’s slow, deliberate work that often takes years. I have been thinking a lot about that word lately- disentangling– as I take small, steady steps toward healthier relationships and a life that feels like my own. Both the… Read more
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Book #23- Reflections on “The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People”
Book #23 The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People By Shahida Arabi, MA I can feel my blood pressure go down when I read books like this. It feels like a sane voice in my life. Toxic people thrive in toxic systems so there are often very few people to turn to… Read more
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Learning to Accept Myself: A Journey From Self-Rejection to Self-Compassion
I Rejected Myself First I think the reason this blog is so healthy for me is that it is allowing me to catch up to my own thoughts. I often grumble internally about being unappreciated at work or in my relationships, but the first person to reject my value was me. I was constantly holding… Read more
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You Can Be Affected By Trauma Even if it Doesn’t Occur
You Can Be Safe, But Still Scared In If Only I’d Known!, Chelsey Brooke Cole talks about the emotional impact of a near miss. Events can still affect you even if they don’t actually end up happening. She uses the example of nearly hitting an animal with your car. Your heart may still be racing… Read more