Book #36
Milk and Honey
By Rupi Kaur
This poetry book addresses sensitive topics such as sexual abuse and emotional manipulation. It may not be for everyone. My intention with this blog post is to lift some of the burden and trauma off of those who have gone through this, and move the conversation toward healing and safety.
Milk & Honey
Upon picking up this book, I expected something light and delicate. It is a collection of short poems accompanied with graceful illustrations. On its surface, it seemed to be a playful literary reflection on femininity.
But very quickly, I felt my smile slide from my face, hit the floor, and fall to the center of the earth. The writing goes from carefree to painfully serious in a matter of words. This book is in fact a representation of femininity- all of its facets.
The Dichotomy of Womanhood
This book epitomizes the whiplash of womanhood. At once soft, yet hard; delightful, yet horrific.
Being a woman often means holding conflicting realities:
- sweet, but inwardly bitter
- forgiving, yet relentlessly scrutinized
- sacrificing, yet often labelled selfish
- outwardly light and small, inwardly heavy and oppressed
- always making space for others, yet never taking it up oneself
- making others comfortable, even when you are uncomfortable
- seen as incompetent, yet overworked
- called naive and immature, yet parentified
- labelled manipulative, yet often subordinate
- accused of caring only about appearance, but must contort this to please others
- cannot express one’s own sexuality, but must allow others to do it on your behalf
- too loud, yet bite your tongue
- dismissed as airheads, yet acutely attuned to the worst realities of life
On the surface, many of these feel like contradictions. But they are often coping strategies. It is hard to figure out your personal identity as a woman in this swirling storm of expectations.
The Weight of “Frivolous” Things
Take a “superficial” topic, for example. Women are mocked for caring about supposedly unimportant topics like fashion. But “frivolous” or “superficial” are often words used by people who are allowed to express themselves freely.
Even something dismissed as trivial can be deeply serious. When you are told what to wear and how to behave- or have little money to decide these for yourself- self-expression becomes an act of resistance and personal identity.
It is ironic that fashion choices are often blamed for sexual assaults- because clothing can be an outward show of non-conformity and free will. Even following fashion trends can be an act of both rebellion and belonging: aligning with one group while quietly defying another. Nuns, women in short dresses, and Amish women all do this through their clothing.
Coping Strategies, Not Empowerment
Not all of the above ironies come from empowerment, though.
I was talking to someone recently about their childhood trauma. He said that he and his siblings all learned how to be “emotionally manipulative” to protect themselves from an abusive parent. They played mind games in order to calm their parent down. It was a coping strategy they had to unlearn in adulthood, especially when they entered into authoritative roles- like becoming a parent themselves. Being “manipulative”, yet disempowered existed hand in hand.
Women develop similar strategies, such as learning how to deescalate a man’s sexual advances. Sometimes she succeeds, sometimes she does not. If she fails to control the situation from her place of disempowerment, she will be endlessly scrutinized.
She learns that she must be even more self-protective- or she simply zones out, exhausted by the burden. She can never be blunt, or bossy, or rude because that will incite the perpetrator and justify their harm. People will say things like: “He would have been nice if she hadn’t been so mean”.
So she must dance around a very serious scenario with a smile on her face, a giggle on her lips, and fear in her heart. There is a difference between being empowered and being burdened with controlling an outcome- especially when something very serious is on the line.
Blame Stalks Women Like a Hunter
You can never just be as a woman. The judgment and consequences are severe.
If you take the wrong path home at night, people will find ways to justify what happened to you as if you weren’t just going about your day. They will use these everyday actions- like walking alone, getting in a cab with someone, entering a hotel room, or wearing a mini skirt- to justify something heinous.
The hammer falls hard if you are a woman. And the crowds gather, not for your salvation but for your ridicule. Even including other women.
Escalation Follows Women Like a Storm Cloud
Once the hammer starts to drop, it gains momentum.
If you are assaulted once, it becomes more likely to happen again. If you say yes once (or say nothing) then it becomes an open invitation for future encounters. If one person takes advantage of you, his friends are not far behind.
Predators can smell vulnerability. They like it when you get hurt by someone else because they are more likely to get their turn. That is why such men never deescalate, and why women must constantly do so for their survival.
But women are mostly only successful at situational deescalation, not overall prevention. The perpetrator will simply move on to a new target if she saves herself.
Reclaiming Innocence in Female Sexuality
“Daddy”, “baby girl”, the school girl outfit, the pig tails, knee-high socks, ribbons and bows, shyness or naiveté, bedrooms and stuffed animals.
Those are all marks of girlhood, but my guess is that childhood innocence isn’t what you thought of first when reading those words.
Even things as pure as these get corrupted by unrestrained male desire.
There is deep value in girlhood- and boyhood. Both are necessary and delightful stages of life. The modern world offers endless opportunities for these to end too fast. Yet preserving innocence and talking openly about pain are not opposites; they can go hand in hand.
One of the ways this can be done is to give people the space to talk about their experiences.
Desire for Healing: Giving Voice to Pain
How much of a woman’s existence has to be hidden from society?
Some of the most formative moments of my life, I am not allowed to talk about because it makes others uncomfortable. But that feels like lying to me and I am not a good liar.
It makes daily interactions feel like a farce or a theatre production. And I am no actress.
When I read Art Spiegelman’s graphic novel Maus about his father’s account of the Holocaust, it struck me how unique the story was- not just in content but in form. He told a devastating story through illustrations of cats and mice.
I had a similar thought when reading Rupi Kaur’s poems on trauma and love. She presented her truths in the medium that best reflected her essence. Just as Spiegelman did.
I hope we can one day live in a world where people are allowed to express even their darkest, most vulnerable stories in the way they want- without the world reflexing its discomfort back on them.
I don’t want people to remain silent or have to contort their stories so that others can metabolize them.
Milk and Honey embodies this freedom. Every story deserves to be heard, in whatever form the narrator chooses. May we create space for people to speak their truths- not softened for our comfort, but rather applauded for their bravery and honesty.
Messy Bun Book Lover
This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend books and tools that I truly love.