Something Familiar About Jekyll & Hyde
After reading The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I wrote a blog post exploring three ways the “Hyde” in each of us can appear in modern life.
In both that post and Stevenson’s novel, Jekyll and Hyde represent two sides of a single person: Dr. Jekyll is composed, respectable, and genial, while Hyde is destructive, shameless, and driven entirely by impulse.
But I couldn’t shake that dynamic from my mind, because I’d seen it before- not within one person, but between two: the dynamic of abuse.
Jekyll & Hyde as a Couple
There is a certain type of toxic relationship where one person behaves badly, while the other continuously tries to contain, explain, or redeem them. One indulges their lower nature; the other tirelessly cleans up the mess.
Controlling Someone Else’s Hyde
I have learned the hard way that trying to control someone else’s Hyde is a dangerous game; one in which you can lose yourself in the process.
It’s exhausting. It erodes your self-esteem, values, and relationships with others. And in the end, you’ll still be blamed for the harm you couldn’t prevent.
The cruel irony is that even your toxic counterpart will both blame you for failing to control their impulses (ex. “it’s your fault I cheated because you never _____!”) and resent you for trying to control them. It’s a no-win scenario and it isn’t your burden to take on, no matter how much others expect it of you.
So be wary of any person or group who expects you to regulate the Hyde in another. It is a relationship red flag, and a sign of bad things to come.
Containing Someone’s Hyde vs. Giving Consequences to It
For years, I tried to protect others from someone’s Hyde side- and to protect that person from their own actions.
I believed I was being a good person by doing so. But all I ever did was slow down the destruction and cover up the consequences. I never stopped it. It broke loose, just like Hyde did from Jekyll- and the collateral damage was enormous.
That person never recovered from their Hyde. The more space it was given- through lack of consequences- the more it grew.
Why De-escalation Doesn’t Work Against Someone’s Hyde
People often ask about de-escalation attempts after an event spirals out of control. It happens whether the victim has just met the perpetrator or has been trapped in that dynamic for years.
It is good to have a general sense of de-escalation, but both parties need to have this understanding and intention. Otherwise, it just turns into the victim trying to manage the Hyde in another. And Hyde tends to be extremely evasive and persistent.
Even if the victim succeeds in calming down another’s Hyde, that is only temporary. As that Hyde will find a way to spring out in a different situation. One where the victim will, once again, be asked: what did you do to de-escalate the situation?
Also, de-escalation too often gets equated with meekness. If you stand up for yourself in any way, then you are seen as provoking the person. If you keep quiet, you are praised for “keeping the peace”.
But this is a terrible dynamic in situations like sexual abuse, where a person should be encouraged to escalate (if they feel safe to do so). Escalation may look like standing up for yourself, asserting boundaries, seeking help, leaving the relationship, and reporting the behaviour.
Too often, these acts of self-protection are misconstrued as provocative escalation, when they are in fact the opposite.
They are attempts to prevent further harm. Healthy self-protection is not the same as provocation. And abusers depend on victims, bystanders, and society as a whole equating the two.
And we rarely stop to notice the obvious: if a situation requires de-escalation, then something has already gone wrong. Encounters between normal, everyday people like Dr. Jekyll never escalate.
So instead of asking, “What did you do to de-escalate?” we should start asking the victim, “Why did you feel the need to de-escalate, or escalate?” Understanding that will help us get closer to the true nature of the problem, instead of pushing the problem onto the next victim.
Be Careful What You Are Protecting… It Just Might Destroy You
Feeling responsible for another person’s Hyde is the beginning of your undoing- and the start of a sinkhole that pulls others in, too.
It is very easy to become tangled in the harm- both the perpetuation of it and the receiving of it.
There is a fine line between empathy and naïveté. And it is in this blurry space where compassion becomes complicity.
In the book, Hyde had “long so unworthily repaid (Jekyll) for a thousand generosities”. And in this type of toxic relationship, that is exactly what happens. Sometimes the act of protecting another becomes the very thing that destroys you.
Messy Bun Book Lover
I read the Collins Classics Edition of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but I also highly recommend this edition → https://amzn.to/4oSQjlK
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