Book #23
The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People
By Shahida Arabi, MA
I can feel my blood pressure go down when I read books like this. It feels like a sane voice in my life. Toxic people thrive in toxic systems so there are often very few people to turn to in those environments for support. Books on dealing with toxic and narcissistic people feel like a portal to a sane world for me. They remind me that the following exist:
- normalcy
- intelligence
- kindness
- boundaries
- integrity
- accountability
These are notions that are often not present in environments filled with toxic people. It is a symbiotic relationship between those individuals and their environment. They are drawn to environments with low accountability, then amass power within it, and thus continue the cycle. Problems never get solved. But outside voices like Arabi’s help me to see that there is another, healthier way.
I didn’t have a voice like Arabi’s in my life during my younger years. It would have helped me to not get sucked down into the toxicity. In the absence of a voice like hers, I wish I would have recognized early warning signs so that I could have avoided the snowballing toxicity. But when you are surrounded by people who tell you “this is fine”, it is easy to hesitate or ignore these red flags.
Here is a list of those warning signs that I wish I hadn’t ignored.
Warning Signs That Abuse May Develop
1. Others Speak on Your Behalf
You find that they assume what you want or what you want to say. They don’t even think to ask you or to discuss it with you. They believe they know what is right for others. You don’t speak up even if you disagree with them because they monopolize the narrative and will make your life worse in other ways if you do push back. Besides, there is often no difference if you speak up, so why bother.
2. You Need to Repeatedly Communicate Your Boundaries
Does Holding Your Boundaries Require Constant Effort?
If holding your boundaries requires constant effort on your part, beware of times that you won’t be able to give this effort- such as when you are exhausted, isolated, powerless, or incapacitated. They will take advantage of these moments and might intentionally cultivate them.
How Do They React to Your Boundaries?
Also, beware of those who get offended at your most basic boundaries. You can tell how toxic a person is by how they react to a reasonable boundary. Narcissists act like it is a mortal wound if you draw an incredibly reasonable line; truly the most basic, unobtrusive boundary is a crisis for them.
Non-toxic people want to know your boundaries so that they don’t inadvertently overstep them. Pay attention to people’s behaviour at the border of your boundaries. It gives you a clue as to their intentions. For example, narcissists will often violate your boundaries more after you state them because now they know what hurts you.
Are They Playing Dumb When it Benefits Them?
Another way that they might roll past a reasonable boundary is by claiming it was a “misunderstanding”. In my own life, I noticed that people would all of a sudden become hard of hearing when I was stating a boundary that they didn’t like. They never seemed to realize they were overstepping, despite being told repeatedly.
When I was talking to them about innocuous topics like what we should order for dinner, there was never a single misunderstanding… funny how that works. So now, if misunderstandings seem never-ending, I see that as something more sinister than a genuine mistake.
3. There is a Mismatch in Expectation
Is There Asymmetric Responsibility?
“… it is not your job or responsibility to fix anyone or teach them basic human decency”
– Arabi
I grew up believing that these were my job. And that if the person was hurting themself or others that it was my fault for not doing a good enough job to “heal” them. Even if that person had more power in a situation than I did.
When it comes to the above quote, I would say I now consider this to be a litmus test for toxicity. That is, if you are having to explain to someone something incredibly basic, something that a toddler should know for example, then this ignorance comes from a place of toxicity. The person is benefitting from their ineptitude in some way. Often toxic people will weaponize “I didn’t know”.
According to them, nothing is done by them out of malice because they didn’t know. It still hurts, though. I would buy the “I didn’t know” argument one time, but when it becomes a pattern, then it is being weaponized. Some ways that a mismatch in expectation can show up are:
- In household duties
- In maturity
- In emotional labour
Beware of Manipulative Kindness
Toxic people do not consider your needs or energy level on a regular basis, and when they do they typically want something from you. You are expected to take care of their needs first, while they also take care of their needs first. Occasionally, you will notice that they are being extremely sweet and giving- check if this correlates with them wanting something from you. What they often want is to maintain the status quo. They want things to go back to normal.
They know that they are benefiting from the way things are so they will do the minimum possible amount to keep you from leaving the current situation. You aren’t happy though, you just aren’t unhappy enough to leave. And they are comfortable with this arrangement.
4. Your Greatest Strengths Become Your Greatest Weaknesses
Is Your Skillfulness Being Weaponized Against You?
This is related to the previous point. The most capable person in a situation is expected to do the most. But this can get weaponized.
They expect you to do more because you do it better. They tell you this is a compliment but they never seem to compliment you and help you out. If they aren’t taking this initiative, it is because they like not having to do these things.
Also, when you are expected to do this labour because you are good at it, they are typically taking that time to do something they enjoy. And when you are both working toward a common goal, make sure your tasks are of equal weight- instead of you doing the miserable tasks and them doing all the fun ones.
I find that in toxic environments, there is often an emotional manipulation of the most reliable, kind, and capable person in the room. That person is asked to constantly overwork themselves to make up for other people’s oafishness. Society puts more responsibility on already-responsible people then blames that person for not living up to unreasonable expectations. Excellence gets weaponized.
You are always expected to give and you get depleted by doing so.
All the while, dysfunctional people are begged repeatedly to abide by basic human decency and do the bare minimum. They may even have a decades-long trail of destruction behind them that they ask to be forgiven for. The bar is so low- and they blame others when they themselves don’t meet it.
Sensitivity Toward Others, Yet Inner Confusion
Another way that a strength becomes a weakness is when your emotional sensitivity is expected to be used to cater to others, not to understand yourself.
I had to constantly read other people’s faces and be attuned to their every emotion, while they were perpetually clueless about mine- including incredibly important ones (like when I or others were in danger or they were causing sexual harm).
They will criticize you for your sensitivity, but will use it to their advantage. This criticism leads to you questioning yourself, not the relationship.
5. They Are Comfortable With Your Humiliation
Experiencing something terrible is bad enough, so you just want to grieve in peace but with toxic people there seems to often be an aftershock of humiliation that follows the initial trauma. They take advantage of your distraction and space of emotional vulnerability.
They see opportunity in it- both for their self-gain and your harm. They have a high tolerance for your humiliation and give others the space to perpetuate the humiliation. They encourage others to pile on. Often, dealing with this aftershock is what people describe as the worst part of a traumatic event. The aftershocks are an easy way for toxic people to get their digs in. Beware of this and take note.
6. There is a Mismatch in Consequences
If they make a mistake then they brush it off and expect others to immediately forgive and forget about it. If you make a mistake then you are the stupidest, most terrible person on earth. Even if that mistake is something as small as accidentally breaking a mug.
7. They Make Sweeping Generalizations
Beware of sweeping generalizations. Arabi states that narcissists will use these to confuse you. Confusion is a sign that you are in a toxic relationship, clarity is a sign that you are in a healthy one.
“I don’t like you” becomes “Nobody likes you”
“You failed this test” becomes “You’re so stupid”
“You lost your job” becomes “You’re such a failure”
Be careful of getting stuck in these mental grooves. Issues are rarely black and white. If a person is trying to convince you of its simplicity, consider that they might be trying to weaken your perspective.
8. You Begin to Develop a Feeling of Self-Hatred
In toxic relationships and communities, you often have to turn your back on yourself just to keep the peace. But this causes inner conflict. You start to think less of yourself and drift further away from your true self. Your relationships don’t seem genuine and you do not grow self-love. If you have crippling low self-esteem, question the people around you. No one is born with low self-esteem.
Choosing Myself & Peace
One of the biggest blessings that books like this have given me is the ability to identify people as toxic early on instead of spending years trying to understand them, or worse, heal them. I can choose right away whether to be close to them or not. I don’t have to wade through years of frustration and confusion. It becomes an informed choice, which saves me so much heartache, time, and money.
I used to think I was being selfish for not trying to heal these people, but now I just feel like I am choosing me. It feels good. I no longer allow anyone in my life who doesn’t consider my feelings. Their issues are no longer more important than my peace.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on June 29, 2025)
Read The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People by Shahida Arabi → https://amzn.to/3WdeJKB
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