Author: Messy Bun Book Lover
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Abuse Tactics: Blame Shifting
Wiping the Slate Clean One way that abusers can get away with their abuse for so long is by blame shifting: pinning all of their bad behavior on someone else. No matter how awful they are, they will preserve their image (to themselves and others) if they manage to put the blame on someone else. It… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Transactions Used as Justification
“They Took the Money, Didn’t They?” People who are harmed sexually will often face scepticism about the severity of the abuse if any sort of transaction occurred. If they got paid, were gifted a trip or a handbag, or even if they had an orgasm, these can be interpreted as evidence that the incident was “mutually beneficial”, and therefore… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: The Role of Community
Abuse Rarely Happens in Isolation Abuse is often thought of as something that happens between two people: an abuser and a victim. However, this dynamic rarely exists in isolation. Those around them can influence whether the abuse thrives or comes to an end. A supportive community can help someone recognize what is happening, believe their… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Altered Reality
Wearing Away Their Reality All of the following abuse tactics are ways that perpetrators hide the reality of their abuse in order to reduce pushback to it. Once someone’s sense of reality is destabilized, they won’t fight back or hold the abuser accountable because they no longer trust their own perspective. Similarly, this veil can… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Kindness Disguising Abuse
The Villain Acts Like a Hero Abusers rarely present themselves as villains. If cruelty looked outwardly cruel, fewer people would fall for it. Usually, they will cloak their cruelty under an illusion of kindness in order to gain the victims’ trust, and confuse the victims so the abuse can continue. This illusion also keeps their… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Use of Power Imbalance
A power imbalance isn’t inherently toxic. It only becomes so when it is exploited or when it is intentionally engineered for the purposes of exploitation. Financial & Emotional Reliance The first power imbalance that many people experience is that between a parent and child. Parents can give, deprive, or threaten to take away such things… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: The Use of Force
Force as Action The use of physical force is one of the most recognizable forms of abuse, although it can still go unacknowledged because it often escalates over time. It involves someone using their body (or an object) to harm or restrain someone. In her memoir Nobody’s Girl, Virginia Roberts Giuffre frequently references this type of… Read more
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Common Abuse Tactics: Based on Virginia Roberts Giuffre’s Memoir
A New Miniseries Over the next several weeks, I will be posting articles in a miniseries exploring common abuse tactics. These include: All of the posts will use Virginia Roberts Giuffre’s memoir: Nobody’s Girl as a sort of spine to illustrate these common tactics. Unfortunately, Virginia was a victim of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, yet, her… Read more
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The Helpline Attendant
I knew a man who worked as a helpline attendant. The line is open 24/7 for people who are in crisis to call and talk to someone. I say I “knew” this man because he is no longer in my life any more. We went on several dates, but that’s where things ended. I couldn’t… Read more
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Smiling When I Am Scared
Jovial(?) Roadside Chaos Today, I was walking along a sidewalk with my headphones in. It was the perfect day to spend outdoors, sunny and warm. To my left was a busy road, and to my right was a gorgeous view over-looking the water. All of a sudden, a small construction truck drove past me. I… Read more
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Weather is No Longer a Boring Topic
Party Conversations When I was younger, it was sort of a joke that when you didn’t know what to say, you would talk about the weather. It was seen as a boring topic of conversation that you would only bring up if you were trying to make small talk or felt socially awkward. However, I… Read more
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Why Women Get Turned On When Their Partner Does the Dishes
Confusing Female Reactions I watched a man as he blustered about his partner: “She feels more romantic towards me when I do the dishes, than when I kiss her!” He sounded completely bewildered. For him, this instance seemed like another drop in the ocean of “confusing female emotions”. Why would doing the dishes make her… Read more
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The Lingering Feeling of Virtual Worlds
A Brave New World of Images Recently, I did a virtual reality experience about the Titanic. It included: Perhaps you know me by now, but I approach these things the way I would an art exhibit. I am fascinated by the way technology affects us- emotionally, physically, and psychologically. And this Titanic experience reminded me of the all-too-real… Read more
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The Price of Seeking Help: When Mental Health Records Become Liabilities
At the Doctor’s Office I had a doctor’s appointment today to fill out some occupational health forms for a new job. They checked my ears, eyes, lungs, weight, reflexes, medical history, and more. But there was an awkward moment. My doctor told me that he would unfortunately need to indicate my past “Emotional Problems” on… Read more
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THEIR Death is the Only Boundary That They Won’t Cross
A Depressing Clarification is Needed A few months ago, I published a post called Death is the Only Boundary That They Won’t Cross. It discussed how death is the only cage that can confidently hold predators. But I realize I have to make a disheartening clarification, that is, their death is the only boundary that they won’t cross.… Read more
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I Didn’t Fear a Bear…
A Spontaneous Nature Adventure I was recently in an area with some beautiful hiking trails. I was unfamiliar with that spot and had no map of the trails- I wasn’t even sure if I could find the path off the road, but I didn’t want to lose out on the opportunity to explore. So I… Read more
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On the Men Who Make Women Louder, Not Quieter
The Benefits of a Healthy Dynamic Between Men & Women Because of my feminist writing, some people might assume that I hate men. I don’t. I love and respect men. I adore the dynamic between men and women when it is healthy- and that is why I get so offended when it is not. So… Read more
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When I see Myself Through His Eyes…
When I See Myself Through His Eyes… I always get less than I deserve. I am a thing, not a person. I am a side character. I exist for others, not myself. My value is in my appearance, yet somehow I am overworked. I am depleted. When I See Myself Through My Eyes… I am worthy… Read more
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He Called it Love
Why Did My Strength Make Me More Vulnerable? He called me a hard worker, he meant it as a compliment, but I have come to loathe this praise. It started as a virtue of mine, but has turned into a trap. I am exhausted and depleted. What has my hard work accomplished except to empty… Read more
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I Had a 500 Day Streak on Duolingo… Can I Speak German?
I Had a 500 Day Streak on Duolingo In 2025, I completed a 500 day streak on Duolingo and was in the top 3% of global users. According to the app, I was learning faster than 95% of other learners. By then, I had reached an A2 level of German (score 43), which meant that… Read more
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You Are Allowed to Leave: 60+ Valid Relationship Deal Breakers
What are “Valid” Deal Breakers? Many people stay in unhealthy relationships because they are not sure if what happened was “bad enough” to justify leaving. And when these toxic behaviours are repeated, they become “normal”, which makes you even less likely to question them. So, I want to list some valid deal breakers. This isn’t… Read more
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The Smile Women Learn to Have
Solo Female Travels Recently, I posted a personal essay called Someone Ran a Stop Sign… & I Smiled at Them. In it, I talk about how quickly I defaulted to reassuring someone after they had almost hurt me. That post was still lingering in my mind, when I had another experience… Earlier this week, I went… Read more
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Someone Ran a Stop Sign… & I Smiled at Them
Looking Both Ways Today, when I was about to cross the street, a moped cut across my path. I jolted, shifting my weight off the street and back onto the sidewalk as he crossed in front of me. I locked eyes with the (male) driver and smiled and nodded. It wasn’t until I began walking… Read more
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I Read 52 Books in One Year- Was it Worth It?
Trying a Different Approach to Learning After I finished my master’s degree, I felt more disenchanted than inspired. But why? I had the diploma, the debt, and the societal recognition. What was missing? That was in 2016, and since then education has experienced seismic shifts: rising costs, increased online learning, emerging AI technologies, and an… Read more
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What Self-Expression Looks Like After Survival
I’m a Wannabe Maximalist & Minimalist For a long time, I made clothing, hairstyle, and makeup choices to please others. Or, more accurately: I made these choices not to upset them. And now I am trying to find myself again. Yet, I have recently mentioned my burgeoning desire to become more environmentally friendly. Because that,… Read more
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Am I Supposed to Lie?
Why Are You Coaching Me to Lie? “I have a boyfriend”, I lied. I didn’t want to lie. I wanted to tell the truth- that I was aggressively single. But I couldn’t, because that would be an invitation. So I lied. As a child, I was told lying is bad. So why am I expected… Read more
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The Angry Pink Horse on the Carousel
There’s an angry pink horse on the carousel. All the others seem content to go around and around. But not this one. Its skin is an unnatural shade of bubblegum pink, its eyes bulging with peeling black paint, and its head is cocked at a tense angle- as if it is trying to throw off… Read more
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What a Pedophile Taught Me About Manners
Using My Voice For Good When I was young, there was an older man who orbited my life. I felt uneasy around him, though not necessarily unsafe. Only in adulthood did I come to learn of the multiple allegations that had been made against him involving inappropriate sexual behavior toward minors. I was lucky at… Read more
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This Reading Challenge Was a Strange Mix of Privilege and Desperation
Excess & Limitations Last year, I began my 52-Book Reading Challenge because I needed a change. If you have read some of my content, you can probably tell the types of things I was struggling with at the time: health issues, toxic relationships, and questioning lifelong unhealthy beliefs. That being said, the opportunity to read… Read more
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Going to a Concert Alone
Putting Myself Out There Last year, I went to a concert alone and it was one of the highlights of my year. It was a last-minute ticket for a somewhat fringe artist. So my friends either already had plans or simply don’t listen to that kind of music. I have been a fan of this… Read more