The Making of an Impulse
Our split-second decisions might feel erratic, but they aren’t random. They are connected to our long-term behaviour.
It isn’t an obvious, direct correlation. Sometimes we can surprise ourselves in the moment; we might be overcome with panic, confusion, or another strong emotion.
But other times our responses are entirely predictable.
Pressure doesn’t create character- it often reveals the one we have been quietly building or neglecting. And in moments of crisis, we don’t typically rise to our ideals, but instead default to what we’ve practiced.
While trying to discern my own thoughts on this strange mix of preparation and impulse, my mind lingered on two men in my life and their relationship with kids.
To me, they personify the way people rise and fall to life’s calls to action. Each is at a point in his life where the long-term consequences of his actions are catching up to him- for better or for worse.
A Tale of Two Men
These anecdotes aren’t intended to shame anyone in any way. In fact, I will avoid naming the characters.
Man #1
Man #1 is in his 40’s and does not yet have children, though he hopes to one day. But he does not want to stumble into fatherhood unprepared.
He is deeply invested in self-improvement, and sees this effort as a journey more so than a destination. For example, he has some health struggles that he is upfront about, takes full responsibility for, and has a plan to improve.
He has passions and a good career, and he values his friends and family dearly. His two young nephews especially adore him.
Besides that, he works at a summer camp that he attended first as a camper, then as a counsellor, now as part of its management. He has practiced patience, authority, connection, and restraint for years until these have become his nature.
Man #2
Man #2 became a father when he was 40. He wanted kids in theory, but still felt unprepared when the moment arrived. Up until that point, his life had been built around personal freedom- sports, late nights, and avoiding responsibility.
In fact, responsibility and consequences were things that he joked about evading.
When the child arrived, he felt very overwhelmed by this new responsibility. He had no clue how to guide a child or connect with one. But he found ways- like sneaking them chocolate. This worked, for a while.
He was also able to bond with the child through sports and having fun, because these were things he understood. But he struggled to connect or guide the child in other ways.
He had ongoing health issues and placed a great deal of responsibility and blame on his child for these; even though these issues had existed long before the child was born.
He often confused leadership with control. And sought to dominate situations rather than resolve them. He simply wanted to be the boss.
An Unequal Comparison
Neither of these two men became who they are in a single moment. They were shaped quietly through thousands of small choices made long before the moments that would eventually define them.
When pressure finally arrived- as it always does- it did not create something new in either of them. It merely exposed the culmination of these choices.
One tends to meet crises with composure, foresight, and self-scrutiny. The other is repeatedly startled by consequences that feel, to him, sudden and unfair. Yet the outcomes are not sudden. They are the delayed result of long-embedded patterns.
No Judgment, Just Sadness
I don’t mean to moralize or denigrate anyone. I was even hesitant to post this out of a fear that it would come across as biased or angry.
The reason I did end up writing this is because I have learned a lot from each man- what to do and what not to do. And it has helped me to shape my own character.
Because of that, it is my hope that this post comes off as discerning rather than judgmental.
The consequences of these two men’s impulses have become tangible. Harm and a feeling of “I wish I would have done better” became a quiet inevitability for Man #2.
His instincts, sharpened over the years, carried him into situations that he did not know how to handle any differently and caused harm which left lasting damage.
Whims Are Based on Quiet Accumulation
Incidents are rarely stand-alone moments. They are a sudden, public jutting out of underlying tendencies.
We are each incrementally becoming someone- long before the moment arrives that asks us to prove it.
Concepts like fatherhood, violence, regret, and bravery are quietly accumulating forces more so than impulsive ones.
And this example, involving children, demonstrates the lasting impact of these instantaneous, yet eventual moments.
We often don’t get a second chance at life’s moments once they pass. There is immense value, then, in putting thought into how we would like to meet them the first time.
Messy Bun Book Lover