Book #49
Lost Connections
By Johann Hari
Hari’s Relatable Story of Depression
For over a decade, Johann Hari struggled with depression. He was told it was due to a chemical imbalance in his brain and that antidepressants were the solution. The dosage steadily grew and so did his struggles with the medication’s symptoms. Yet, things still weren’t much better.
This story felt all too familiar.
My Own Depression Story
About 10 years ago, I was on a cocktail of antidepressants, which were prescribed and supervised by my doctor. Unbeknownst to my doctor though, I supplemented these with alcohol.
I didn’t enjoy the alcohol or the SSRI’s, and I knew mixing them wasn’t safe- but my nerve pain was mentally and physically overwhelming, and I was struggling to cope.
I couldn’t sleep, my heart felt like a rabbit trying to leap out of my chest, climbing a set of stairs would wind me, and my mental health was in shambles- and I was barely in my 20’s.
The diagnosis? Depression.
I’m sure depression was a part of it, but I tried to explain to my doctors that depression felt like a reasonable response to what I was going through: an unexplained illness, a loss of a future in sports, chronic pain, and an unsafe environment.
That, I felt, was an excellent recipe for depression.
The strategy though, at the time, was to raise the antidepressant dose until I was well enough to get my life back on track, then get off the pills. But like Hari, my symptoms always outran the antidepressants and my dose crept higher and higher as my life got worse and worse.
Systemic Issues
During this time, I saw every type of specialist imaginable: a cardiologist for my racing heart, an internist for my stomach pain, an optometrist for my blurry vision, a psychiatrist for my mental health issues. A dietician, physiotherapist, and on and on.
When I went to an allergist and told them my daily allergy pill wasn’t keeping up with my symptoms, they dismissed me for not believing in the “science” behind it. To them, the treatment path was clear: you have allergies so take an allergy pill everyday. What more did I want?
But, what we would later discover was that, due to my increasing disability, I was sleeping on black mold at the time. A daily allergy pill wasn’t going to overcome this.
In fact, many of the doctors I saw would dismiss my concerns, assuming I didn’t trust their methods.
I Was an “Anti-Science” Mathematician
But this didn’t sit right with me, though. I am not the type of person to cause a fuss. Nor had I ever considered myself to be “anti-medicine” or “anti-science”.
In fact, I had a bachelor’s degree in mathematics and was pursuing a master’s degree in a data-heavy field, one that works closely with healthcare. I even did my master’s project at a hospital.
But here I was, constantly having ideological skirmishes in doctors’ offices.
They interpreted my concerns as rejecting modern medicine, but I just didn’t feel the pills were effective at solving the problems. The root cause was never being addressed.
Why You Might Be Depressed
According to Hari, there are 9 causes of depression and anxiety. These vary from environmental to social to biological.
9 Causes of Depression & Anxiety
- Disconnection from meaningful work
- Disconnection from other people
- Disconnection from meaningful values
- Childhood trauma
- Disconnection from status & respect
- Lack of nature
- Disconnection from a hopeful or secure future
- The way our genetics respond to our environment
- Brain changes
I don’t know if I am genetically predisposed to depression, but looking at the rest of the list, I could’ve checked off nearly every box.
With that lens, antidepressants and allergy pills alone suddenly feel like a blunt tool to combat major problems. No wonder I wasn’t getting better.
Is There Any Reason You Might Be Feeling Distressed?
In the book, doctors began to ask their patients about this list. Is there any reason you might be depressed? They’d say.
If I were ever asked this, I think the answer would have come out in a torrent- I had no one to talk to about any of it.
Listen to Your Pain to Find Solutions, Don’t Numb it
Keeping this pain inside meant I was constantly exhausted and having to numb myself.
But numbing out helps you to get through the day, but it rarely gives you the personal agency to change what isn’t working.
At the time, the best anti-depressants for me probably would have been:
- Someone to listen & care
- A healthy environment
- No mold
- No unsafe people
- Access to a secure future
- Debilitating student loans forced me into unsafe situations. The ability to walk away would have lightened my mind and relaxed my body immensely.
- Living my values
- The previous point meant I was unable to do meaningful work or live my own values. The benefits of a secure future would’ve cascaded to other areas.
These may not have completely replaced medication- but they would have supported it in ways that actually address the root issues, resulting in lasting improvement.
Working Towards a Healthier Future
Back then, I didn’t have the vocabulary that I do now. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out why. So the problems persisted.
I’m grateful for Lost Connections and that the conversation surrounding mental health has come a long way in recent years.
We now recognize that our mental health isn’t isolated; it is deeply affected by other parts of our lives.
Antidepressants certainly have their place- so if you find them useful, then you should definitely continue your treatment. Just know that there are many pieces to this story and medication is only one of them.
I think acknowledging this helps people to decrease personal judgment. They stop seeing themselves as a failure when they don’t get better from medication alone. They can start identifying issues in their environment, relationships, or society at large- this is empowering, not disempowering.
Know that you are not alone, and there is at least one random person on the internet who cares about you. And as Hari says: “You aren’t a machine with broken parts. You are an animal whose needs are not being met.”
Messy Bun Book Lover