The Authentic Path to Forgiveness

“Forgiveness isn’t something you can will yourself to do. It’s a state of mind that comes to you when it’s good and ready. Pressure to forgive puts an unfair burden on a process that can take a lifetime and may never be completed.”
– Lindsay C. Gibson, Disentangling From Emotionally Immature People

What Love, Trust, & Forgiveness Have in Common

I’ve written before about how love and trust can’t be willed into existence the way commitment or sacrifice can. But I think forgiveness belongs in that same category as well.

If you aren’t ready to forgive, then no amount of internal resolve or external pressure can force that feeling. You can pretend to feel it, but if you are gritting your teeth then it isn’t actually forgiveness; it is capitulation, hopeful optimism, or denial. And often it is done just to make others happy. But this means it is surface-level, not bone deep; oppressive, not freeing.

Like love and trust, forgiveness can be influenced by others- sometimes positively through their acknowledgment of your pain, or negatively through their denial of it. But only you have the power to realize when it has arrived. This feeling has no timeline and may never come- and that is perfectly okay.

Why Forgiveness Can’t Be Forced

In her book Disentangling From Emotionally Immature People, psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson talks about the nuances of forgiveness.

This is in sharp juxtaposition to the prevailing societal attitude towards forgiveness, which is roughly: forgiveness = good, non-forgiveness = bad. The latter attitude is an over simplification of a deeply complex topic; like telling a depressed person to “just be happy”. This pressure and misunderstanding typically pushes the person deeper into their depression or non-forgiveness. They are more confused and more isolated.

So Gibson’s voice on the subject of forgiveness is a fresh one that I really needed. It gave clarity and a path forward. Three themes of Gibson’s approach that helped me see forgiveness differently are:

Authenticity– Forgiveness can’t be faked or forced.
Depth of Harm– Some wounds remain too painful to ever forgive. And that’s okay to admit.
Complexity– When you love a person who hurt you, untangling emotions like love, anger, and grief can take years.

Each of these ideas remove the pressure to forgive, which often becomes a barrier to forgiveness. Suddenly forgiveness isn’t a moral obligation or a deadline set by others. It is not the victim’s job to wipe anyone else’s slate clean. It is their job to heal.

This is a far cry from what I was taught forgiveness looked like. I was taught that forgiveness should be given wholly and swiftly and that you should be “the bigger person”.

It was almost like: the quicker you could “forgive”, the better person you were. No matter how inauthentic it felt. Plus, your forgiveness would be praised even if the harm continued. And if more harm happened, then you were expected to forgive that too.

Gibson’s perspective feels like someone lifting that crooked responsibility off my shoulders- someone finally looking out for my wellbeing, not anyone else’s comfort.

My Personal Struggle With Forgiveness

I have been trying to learn more about forgiveness during my year-long Reading Challenge. In March, I wrote a post on my desire to forgive called: I’m Not Ready to Forgive. It was a starting point, not an end-point on the subject, as I acknowledged that the feeling evaded me.

Nearly five months later, I feel more open to forgiveness. There’s more space for it in my body, even if I haven’t fully reached it yet. The prior heaviness feels less dense.

Before, it was like a tug-of-war. I would go back and forth in my mind, like: I want to forgive… but I’m still really angry. Or I want to forgive… but often forgiveness is used to cause further harm- being interpreted as a weak boundary.

I wasn’t yet convinced that forgiveness was the right thing to do, let alone understanding how to get there. But, true to myself, I have searched for the answers to my problems in books.

Finding Forgiveness in Books

One reason I like reading about the topic of forgiveness is that the parasocial nature of books works to your advantage. Forgiveness often comes steeped in social pressure- both from those who care about you and are pushing you to move on and those who care about your abuser. Many people just want the problem to go away and your forgiveness seems like a solution to that.

But Gibson doesn’t care if it takes me 5 minutes or 50 years to forgive. She doesn’t even know I exist. So in a way, I feel like that takes some pressure off me.

My forgiveness isn’t a performance.

Now, I can forgive for my sake, not anyone else’s.

Because I have no one else in the room when I am grappling with these feelings; no one to please or capitulate. I can just think about my own emotional needs- which is long overdue. In fact, they are the only ones that matter with respect to my relationship with forgiveness.

Closing Thoughts

For the first time, I am shifting my focus on this topic onto myself and recognizing that true forgiveness heals rather than perpetuates harm. It is a gift, not a burden. And saying you forgive someone doesn’t make it true.

I now realize my morality isn’t tied to whether I forgive, or pretend to forgive. My greatest obligation is to my own authenticity. And that is what will determine the pace of my forgiveness, if it comes at all. Suddenly, with this new mentality, forgiveness feels closer than ever.

Messy Bun Book Lover

For more blog posts about this book see:

Read Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People by Lindsay C. Gibson → https://amzn.to/4ojhmGC

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