“Problems with (emotionally immature) parents may have affected your impression of God and your trust in religion. Kids often form their image of God based on their parents…”
– Lindsay C. Gibson, Disentangling From Emotionally Immature People
Our View of Religion is Affected By Our Parents
In her book Disentangling From Emotionally Immature People, psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson talks about how a child’s interpretation of God is deeply affected by their parents- both in the beliefs they develop and their perception of God’s temperament.
This makes intuitive sense. Our parents are the small-scale creators of our young lives. They may be small when compared to the concept of God, but they are incredibly significant and formidable to a child.
Children view them as all-knowing and all-powerful figures- loving and protective, but sometimes harsh and demanding of obedience. They control the resources and get to decide the rules, punishments, and rewards. We want to please them in order to belong to the group and be a good person- often by their standard.
Also, our family is one of the first groups that we belong to that is bigger than ourselves. We get an immense amount of connection to something much larger through this relationship, which is similar to how religion feels.
So it is easy to see how our view of our parents might get tangled in our view of religion. Especially if our parents taught us religion and espoused their attitude toward religion as the only right one; one that rigidly mirrors their own personality and belief system. For better or for worse, these influences can stick with us long into adulthood.
My Distorted View of Religion
Gibson’s chapter on religion really resonated with me. I knew immediately that I was projecting my view of early parental influences in my life onto the subject. And that by doing so, I feel more disconnected and isolated from my spiritual self. I don’t feel loved and inspired.
Examining why this might be will hopefully help me to rediscover my genuine beliefs, and to not simply unconsciously inherit or reject my spiritual beliefs based on others. I want my spiritual beliefs to be my own because that will make them more authentic. This will likely make me feel closer to others and to divinity at large.
The following list describes my current view of God and religion. These beliefs are most certainly influenced by the way I was raised.
My Current View of God
Description:
God is a powerful male leader who adores hierarchy. He expects obedience, worship, and unquestioning loyalty- punishing those who disobey him.
Rules:
His rules are absolute and not to be questioned, even when narrow or contradictory. Consequences are harsh, and the rules often serve his control rather than the wellbeing of others.
Judgment:
His judgment is quick and severe. As a child, I mistook this for confidence and righteousness, but now I see it as a refusal to consider nuance or other perspectives.
Narrative:
His is the only voice that matters. He would deliberately shut down debate, needing ultimate control of the universal narrative.
Emotions:
His emotions were more important than those of others. He would be very reactive and quick to anger. You could soothe this tempestuousness by following his rules. His strong emotions were often expressed in uncomfortable ways, such as emphasizing his love for you by shouting it at you.
Self/Others:
Individuality did not matter. What mattered most was obedience and service. You needed to do these to belong to the group. Boundaries weren’t encouraged; they were punished. At the time, I believed the more I absorbed others’ toxicity, the more I was doing “God’s work”.
Generosity:
Helping others was demanded. If you didn’t give endlessly, you were considered selfish or a bad person, even if doing so left you depleted or unsafe. He expected love and devotion to be endless, no matter the cost. It was never enough.
Priority:
Your role in life was to serve him and others, not to follow your own dreams. He should come first in your life.
Forgiveness:
Forgiveness had to be quick and unconditional- no matter how much harm was repeated. Protecting myself or others wasn’t valued; forgiving quickly and healing the perpetrator was the higher duty.
Free Thought:
He was always right, so you showed disobedience by questioning or challenging him. Independent thinking was a threat to his authority.
Community:
Belonging came from obedience and strict adherence to perceived norms, not genuine connection or support. You were only safe if you adhered to this structure, if you did not then you were condemned.
Submissiveness vs. Assertiveness:
Submissiveness was seen as a virtue. The most rewarded people were highly submissive.
Praise:
Constant praise of him was required to prove love, belonging, and devotion. Showing love or attention elsewhere was forbidden and dangerous.
What I Hope to Rebuild
Now that I see how much my image of God mirrors a narcissistic relationship, I don’t want to carry that projection forward. My faith and spirit have felt crushed under this belief system- not freed by it. Instead, I want to feel safe, authentic, and expansive.
I don’t have all the answers yet. It is a good first step to examine these long-held spiritual beliefs, but the next step will be deciding how to heal and grow from them. That will take some mulling over, and perhaps a future blog post.
Here are some qualities I hope to rebuild in my relationship with God and spirituality:
Compassion, Not Control
- A God who is more interested in healing than punishment (STARTING with the victim, not the perpetrator. And one who doesn’t just extend forgiveness to the perpetrator, but also the victim.)
Partnership, Not Hierarchy
- A divine presence that walks with me, rather than demanding blind submission
Authenticity, Not Performance
- Where honesty matters more than keeping up appearances
Curiosity, Not Fear
- A space where questioning and exploring are welcome, because growth requires dialogue
Boundaries, Not Burnout
- A faith that honours my limits and teaches me that serving others does not mean destroying myself
Community, Not Conformity
- A circle of belonging based on love and support, not fear of exclusion
Freedom, Not Coercion
- A God who invites, rather than forces. Who delights in self-discovery, not compliance
I want this new spirituality to bring deep healing, connection, and authenticity. That feels like a more powerful and empowered view of the Divine.
Now I can focus on experiencing the world, not tiptoeing around it. I can serve others while also loving myself.
This mentality is already making me feel closer to myself, others, and the Divine.
Although this blog post was emotionally heavy and difficult to write, examining these beliefs was long overdue. I want to keep coming back to this post; examining and reexamining it until I get to a healthier space spiritually. I know I deserve a spirituality that respects and cares for myself and others.
What parts of your spiritual upbringing do you still carry, and which do you want to let go of?
Messy Bun Book Lover
For more blog posts about this book see:
- Book #31- Reflections on “Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People”
- How To Grow Your Original Voice in 5 Steps
- Understanding Values: Why They Don’t Always Mean the Same Thing to Everyone
- The Authentic Path to Forgiveness
Read Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People by Lindsay C. Gibson → https://amzn.to/4ojhmGC
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