Book #31
Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People
By Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD
Disentangling
Disentangling isn’t a clean break. It’s slow, deliberate work that often takes years. I have been thinking a lot about that word lately- disentangling– as I take small, steady steps toward healthier relationships and a life that feels like my own.
Both the internal and external residual effects of old situations threaten to pull me backward. Escaping feels like slowly peeling away from an octopus’s tentacles as it tries to drag you back down to the depths.
I am learning to look at crises with a higher perspective- it is often not just a singular event. It also involves a lead-up and an aftermath, which never seem to be talked about as much as the crisis itself.
The End of a Crisis Does Not Mean the End of its Consequences
A Personal Example:
My grandparents left Europe right after World War 2 to find a better life in a new country. Theirs is a typical immigrant story: move across the world to a place that you’ve never been, where you don’t know anyone, and don’t speak the language- and doing it with only a few belongings and very little money.
In my child-brain, I thought that was really ironic. But Grandpa, the war was over by then! You could’ve just stayed home! I thought to myself.
But their country had been devastated. There were food shortages, missing family members, and many people didn’t have a home to go back to- it had either been destroyed or sold to someone else. Things didn’t just go back to normal after the fighting had stopped. That took decades, if it happened at all.
It wasn’t until I was older that I understood: the end of a crisis does not mean the end of its consequences. That’s true for both collective and personal traumas. You can’t just snap your fingers and move on, even after you’ve left a bad situation. Leaving is not just a physical act.
You have to sort through the rubble for anything valuable that might remain. And deal with the reality of your uprooted life. You will likely be doing this alone. All of your loved ones may be scattered- or shattered themselves.
Trauma will show up in internal and formless ways like lost relationships, sleepless nights, or opportunities that you simply can’t bring yourself to reach for. The crisis can leave a mental and spiritual gash that needs to turn to scar tissue in order to be functional again- and for things to return to a new normal.
Ideally, this new normal will be better than life was before. But it takes time, effort, and distance from the conflict.
Moving on From My Own Traumas
For me, I am trying to build a life of my own making. One where I feel safe and independent, and that reflects my values, preferences, and strengths.
Books like Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People help me to take tentative- then loping- steps forward. Gibson is one of many authors who have helped me realize the dysfunction of my past and the prospect of a healthy future- two things I previously could not imagine.
For many years, others were the center of my world- in a really unhealthy and unwilling way. My wellbeing depended on their mood.
I felt I had to constantly emotionally regulate them to keep the peace- which wasn’t actually very peaceful at all. It involved a lot of eggshells; life was always a hair’s breadth from chaos. There was very little space for me- my identity, values, and interests- in my own life.
Now, I am gingerly edging toward a tipping point. One where I previously thought more about others (in a toxic way) and now can think more about myself (in a healthy way). I no longer want my priorities to be conflict avoidance or keeping the fragile peace. I want my effort to go toward thriving: living a happy and healthy life surrounded by people I love to be around.
This blog is one manifestation of my new path forward. It is an act of rebellion toward my former life. It is seeped in my personality, enjoyments, and values. I can speak relatively freely- and have found that I have a lot to say. And no one in this space seems to be upset by my self-discovery.
Disentangling from something that no longer serves us can feel like desertion, but it is more like liberation. We all deserve to feel free and safe. I am finally ready to pursue a life of my own making.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on Aug. 14, 2025)
Read Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People by Lindsay C. Gibson → https://amzn.to/4ojhmGC
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