This blog post will contain spoilers for the book There is No Ethan by Anna Akbari. Kindly stop reading now if you don’t want to know these details yet.
The Manipulation of Power & Powerlessness
Several women were catfished by a woman posing as a man on an online dating profile in the early 2010’s which was written about in the book There is No Ethan by Anna Akbari.
The catfish could be mean and yet the women still maintained an online relationship with “him”. As soon as the women discovered each other and realized they were being mutually catfished by the same person, they confronted their catfish. Once confronted, the catfish melted into a much softer version of “himself”. “He” promised to make better choices in the future. The catfish didn’t actually change though, and instead went on to cause more harm.
I have noticed a pattern in toxic people where they will exert their power to an extreme extent but put their hands up in surrender and claim innocence or ignorance as soon as they’ve been caught. This swing in behavior can be jarring for most people who aren’t used to changing their behavior based on circumstance.
It took me far too long to see this pattern in my own life.
How Do They Behave When No One is Looking?
I think the natural human response is to give benefit of the doubt until it becomes too obvious to overlook, and abusers take advantage of others’ slowly building realization. When it is reached, it often just takes a simple “sorry” to disarm it.
But I have come to see this dynamic as extremely dangerous.
If the only reason a person is conceding (or at least pretending to concede) is because they have been caught, they are changing their behavior for their own benefit, not for the sake of the victim.
Both their actions before the apology and during the apology are self-serving. And usually the perpetrator had a lot of time to apologize or change beforehand, but didn’t.
This is a person who is at heightened risk of re-offending.
If the only reason they stopped a behavior is because they are now experiencing the consequences of their actions, they likely haven’t learned anything.
Contrast this with a person who changes their behavior both publicly and privately after they realize they have caused harm, not after an apology or consequences have been demanded. That person is much more likely to be reformed and is less of a danger to society. That latter person builds trust while the former destroys it.
This was very hard-won wisdom for me. But I think it will serve me well.
People aren’t taught in schools how to spot or protect themselves from toxic people. However, doing so is necessary for a good life. The real and digital people we surround ourselves with will make up a huge amount of our joy (or pain) in life. It is so important that these relationships are healthy.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on Apr. 16, 2025)
To read more thoughts on There is No Ethan by Anna Akbari, you can follow these links:
- #8 Reflections on “There is No Ethan”
- Recognizing Abuse Online is Hard
- Why Do Smart People Get Scammed?
- Why is it Always a Health Crisis?
- The Importance of Healthy Relationships
- When Intelligence Meets Manipulation
- How Many Blog Posts Can I Write About a Single Book?
There is No Ethan by Anna Akbari is available here.
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