Book #22
Rejection Proof
By Jia Jiang
Second Guessing Yourself
My social anxiety could never handle doing a rejection experiment like this. I thought briefly about doing some sort of rejection therapy as part of this Reading Challenge, but I know myself well enough. For now, I just have to live vicariously through Jiang who, in this book, deliberately tries to get rejected 100 times in various ways.
Right off the bat, I understood Jiang’s situation of wanting to be creative but being encouraged to take a more “normal” path to success. Sometimes well-meaning friends and family can be the toughest critics. This can cause a lot of anxiety over diverging from the path others have set for you. Often, the people who care about you the most want you to take a common path with consistent income, so their criticism of any diversion from this can be harsh. Since you know them and trust them it is easy to listen to them.
This has taken me years to get over the resentment of following their instruction. Opportunities aren’t always guaranteed to come back around. I wish I hadn’t hesitated in my youth based on family members’ advice.
However, both straying too far either in the direction of reckless creative abandon or mind-numbing normalcy are huge risks. There should be a happy medium. If you can do what you love while also meeting your financial needs then you have hit the sweet spot. That is how to beat this type of resentment, I think.
But putting yourself out there is hard.
Facing Rejection Head On
I am beginning to realize that the worst thing about rejection- either by yourself or others- is the isolation of it.
As soon as you have someone to laugh with, it becomes a lot less scary. Even if that is just me laughing along to Jiang’s stories in this book.
I was internally cringing when he was detailing his first attempt at rejection. I thought: I could never do that. No way. But after a few more of his rejection attempts I felt myself laughing along with him. My shoulders were more relaxed. I wasn’t paralyzed with fear at what the person he approached for a rejection was going to say or think of him.
At What Point Did I Pick Up This Fear of Rejection?
I have taken on many challenges in life. I have faced serious health challenges, passed and failed many tests over the years, and travelled to enough countries that I have lost count including spending several months in Africa. I have done things that required personal courage and fortitude. So why am I so afraid of rejection now?
My mental state seems very similar to Jiang’s. As a teenager, he moved to the U.S. from China, not knowing anyone and speaking limited English. That requires tenacity and self-assurance. So why is he afraid of rejection? Why am I?
About 15 years ago, I started to experience health problems. They were small at first then became serious. Each time one of these health issues affected my life, I blamed myself. I took it very personally. At first it was not being able to run as fast or lift as much, then it was not being able to see as well, then it was the brain fog that made me stare at a test for minutes until I could decipher what the words and numbers meant.
There was no explanation at first, so I figured that I was the problem.
This was the start of me rejecting myself. I was starting to think less of myself. I saw myself as less worthy. Mix that with some toxic relationships and you get a person with crippling social anxiety who ruminates over every social encounter- even the ones that never happened.
This social anxiety shows up in three ways for me:
1. Anxiety in Close Relationships
I took a lot of responsibility for the well-being of the people around me as well as for the relationships as a whole. I didn’t think to consider the fact that I was unhappy. If they were happy, then I was “happy”. This unfortunately develops into a toxic scenario with a lot of fear. You are always having to study the other person’s reactions.
I would make life-altering decisions based on the advice of others, even if I didn’t feel that advice was right for me. Through this, I turned from a socially relaxed young woman to an incredibly anxious adult. I was scared. And I had reason to be.
2. Anxiety Around Authority Figures
Rejections are not trivial. Throughout human history, it could literally mean life or death. We want to get along with the people around us because there are a lot of benefits to doing so. I really struggled with juggling these benefits when they contradicted my inner knowing. Like if an authority figure is asking you or someone else to do something that you are not comfortable with. The gap between what they want you to do and what you think is right can hold a lot of anxiety and tension.
3. Anxiety Around Service People
This is really embarrassing to say and the only reason that I am saying it is because Jiang said it first. I had a fear of being rejected by service people. I understand not feeling worthy in some business establishments, for example, if you can’t afford the products there. But I would also feel unworthy at places like public libraries.
Why did I think that I couldn’t take up space? Even asking a librarian to help me find a book was scary for me for a while. Librarians want to help you and are paid to do so, yet I was afraid to talk to them or ask them questions.
Lightening the Fear of Rejection
Jiang began to feel his social anxiety lighten over his 100 day rejection journey and I have too from my year of self-improvement. So there is hope. I feel more free of other people’s opinions. I know myself better and I know my value. That is a much healthier place to be at mentally than not even being able to check out a library book.
How many people though dread these small interactions with others and ruminate on them when they go wrong? I know I am not alone in this.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on June 22, 2025)
Read Rejection Proof by Jia Jiang → https://amzn.to/4nSDPdV
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