Confusing Female Reactions
I watched a man as he blustered about his partner: “She feels more romantic towards me when I do the dishes, than when I kiss her!” He sounded completely bewildered.
For him, this instance seemed like another drop in the ocean of “confusing female emotions”. Why would doing the dishes make her more amorous than a kiss? They seemed completely unrelated…
But are they?
I didn’t sense any ill-will from the man; he seemed confused, not malicious. In fact, he came across as someone wanting to make his wife happy. He just didn’t understand the path to doing so- and he wasn’t the only man left shaking his head by this situation.
I think what they were stumbling over was the fact that sex doesn’t start and end in the bedroom.
Here are two scenarios to demonstrate this:
Scenario 1:
A wife comes home from work, cooks dinner, cleans the kitchen, bathes the kids and puts them to bed, then climbs exhausted into bed where her husband is waiting for her.
He is disappointed that she is not in the mood. But just like her, I wouldn’t be either.
Scenario 2:
The husband recognizes his wife is worn out.
He doesn’t “help around the house”, he takes care of his space. Maybe he cooks dinner, or does the dishes, or reads a book to the kids.
The wife is grateful.
She is at ease, not over-stimulated, and can go to bed earlier. And when she does, she isn’t as tired.
The relationship feels like a mutually enjoyable partnership. She appreciates him, and she feels appreciated as well.
He didn’t just do the dishes, he showed that he cares about her experience- he cares about her feelings and about her physical state.
Maybe he ran her a bath.
He wanted her to enjoy her night, not make it an obligation.
She can relax and enjoy her time around him, instead of it being another chore.
Her “No” Doesn’t Just Happen in the Moment, it is an Accumulating Force
Sex is the tip of the iceberg, and so if a woman is unwilling, then there are probably many reasons why. And each reason is another brick in the wall between two people when they sleep in the same bed.
By the time they climb into bed at night, her answer was probably already decided hours ago- maybe even days, or years.
False Care Makes Intimacy Even More Unlikely
But this realization can cause another problem, one that can limit desire even further. That is, the difference between genuinely caring about someone and doing something because you want something out of it.
The former demonstrates responsibility, care, and generosity- all very attractive qualities in a person, the latter (even unintentionally) demonstrates manipulation. The latter person is trying to socially engineer their desired outcome. The wife is no longer the focus, she is an obstacle to the husband getting what he wants.
And the woman can often sense this.
A Personal Example:
A few years ago, I reluctantly agreed to go on a date with a man I felt no attraction toward. But I was worried what would happen if I said no. And besides, women are always encouraged to give “the nice guy” a chance, after all.
He took me to a very expensive restaurant to impress me (one that he couldn’t afford), and I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu in order to decrease his sense of my obligation.
It was an awkward night all around, as I constantly felt the responsibility to manage his growing expectation.
We didn’t have sex at the end of the date (by my choice), and no intimacy of any kind developed over our time together- not emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual, etc.
I just wanted to get out of there, and bristled at the thought of physical intimacy.
He and I were worlds apart on how we wanted the night to go. And by the end, we were even further apart than when we started: my fear and hyper-vigilance had increased, and perhaps his disappointment and resentment had increased because his efforts had not led to anything.
Despite his “generosity”, I never want to see that man again.
That is a far cry from attraction.
Performative Effort Increases Distance
When a person develops the attitude of “if I do this, then I should get this”, it feels like they are trying to make your decision for you.
And people like that aren’t attractive; sexually or otherwise.
In fact, they are scary.
No one wants to feel powerless and bound by externally-imposed obligation, especially when it comes to something as personal and serious as sex.
When you feel that you can’t make your own choice, then you become an object, not a person.
When I was on the date, I could tell he liked being at a table with a pretty woman. He wanted a photo to commemorate it.
To this day, he might tell people that he once “dated” me.
But I felt like a prop to him, never fully seen or respected.
This was reflected in my early perception that I couldn’t say “no”. He preferred the performance over the genuine reality.
But the “performance” of it all was terrifying and emotionally draining for me, not stimulating.
Is the Sex About 1 Person, or 2?
If she just becomes a prop for male sex, then she can (with some validity) just tell him to use his hand or some other device.
If it is just about his pleasure, then she might not need to participate at all.
If it is about BOTH people’s genuine (not performative) pleasure, then that will be a very different conversation. And that starts long before the moment of penetration.
Showing genuine regard creates fertile space for feelings of comfort, closeness, playfulness, and enjoyment- all prerequisites of good sex.
Messy Bun Book Lover