Looking Both Ways
Today, when I was about to cross the street, a moped cut across my path. I jolted, shifting my weight off the street and back onto the sidewalk as he crossed in front of me.
I locked eyes with the (male) driver and smiled and nodded.
It wasn’t until I began walking on the crosswalk again that I turned to look at the sign over my shoulder. I realized that he had run a stop sign.
And my first response was to smile.
Immediate Reactions
My first instinct hadn’t been fear or anger that he had almost run me over. Rather, it was to reassure him.
I wanted him to know that everything was fine.
And my next instinct was to question myself. That was the reason I had looked over my shoulder at the crossing; to see what I had misinterpreted.
Maybe it was a yield sign? He would still be in the wrong if it was, but at least that is a grey zone.
Ah, the boundless grey zone.
Delayed Responses
As I reached the other side of the street, my smile had given way to a frown, and I continued along the sidewalk.
I was disturbed not only by his behaviour, but my own.
He was the one who violated society’s rules and I was the one who almost paid the price. Yet my instinct was to physically and emotionally yield to him.
I rushed to soothe someone who had put me in danger, and questioned my behaviour and reactions instead of his.
Even more startlingly, I had questioned my reaction before questioning his action.
I searched for my mistake before allowing him one.
Why was I so ready to assume responsibility for his recklessness?
In that brief exchange, I sidelined any desire for an apology, accountability, or change. Instead, I offered no resistance.
In fact, if I hadn’t glanced back to see the stop sign, that would have just become another instance of my own acquiescence. Just another: “You scared me, and almost caused me great harm, but it’s fine! I immediately forgive you! In fact, I am sorry for crossing your path!”
There was no collision. But there was harm. Moments like that have a way of compounding, like interest on a debt, teaching one person invincibility and the other self-minimization.
If left unchecked, both those mentalities can lead to great harm.
I wonder if he forgot the moment immediately.
I know I didn’t.
Messy Bun Book Lover