Innocent to Aware
When I was young, I believed that every person on earth was a blessing. And then I grew up.
My thoughts on this have been refined by time and trauma.
I still believe that every person is born a blessing. But whether or not they stay one is based on their behaviour.
Our actions, both good and bad, can deeply impact others.
Acknowledging the Persistence of Harm
It is okay to admit anger toward someone who has hurt you. It is okay to admit fatigue. It is okay to admit that due to their actions, your life is a little less brilliant. Perhaps they dimmed your light or that of someone that you care about in lifelong ways.
When Jennette McCurdy wrote I’m Glad My Mom Died, I don’t think her primary emotion was animosity- it was pain. She was struggling to understand and heal from the harm her mother had caused her.
When her mom passed, Jennette was able to focus on her own needs, dreams, and healing. That would also make me glad.
I’m sure for her, there were mixed feelings- grief, anger, resentment, attachment, self-doubt, confusion- but she is allowed to feel glad too. It doesn’t have to contradict the rest.
Especially because her mother’s behaviour showed no signs of slowing down up until she passed. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, until death presented this. Then that light became tentative, yet everlasting.
In an interview, Virginia Roberts Giuffre once said of Jeffrey Epstein that death was the only way he would stop his behaviour.
Death is the only boundary that they won’t cross. And the relief comes not from the death, but from the harm ending.
Boundaries as Protection
Sometimes healing cannot come from reconciliation, only removal. Death is the cage that accepts them when accountability or changed behaviour cannot.
I originally titled this piece: Death is the Only Cage that Can Hold Them, but that made death sound like a punishment, not a natural progression, and it did not properly highlight what I wanted this piece to be about: recognizing the rippling effects of persistent harm, and the value of the victim’s wellbeing.
It is an acknowledgment that good people don’t just exist to be lessons for bad people. They exist to learn, and grow, and fall in love, and make art. They deserve to live lives they are proud of- that they get to shape themselves. Not ones which have been shaped by another’s hand in their clay.
The Progression
For me, I did not want those people to die.
I wanted to enjoy their company. Then when I couldn’t, I wanted them to be civil.
Then when they weren’t, I asked them to get help.
Then when they refused, I wanted them to stop harming others.
Then when they didn’t, I wanted them to be held accountable.
Then when they weren’t, I wanted the number of victims to be kept low.
Then when it wasn’t, I wanted the number of victims to not include a single more person.
Then when I wanted to give space for healing, they wanted to give space for more harm.
My hope narrowed from optimism to containment. And that is when death became the ultimate granter of my wishes.
This endorsement of death comes from deep exhaustion, not malice. It is a refusal of both cruelty and denial. It is a desire for joy, not infliction of pain- in fact, the prevention of it.
And it is certainly not how I would’ve chosen to feel. From the start, my choice would have been love.
Messy Bun Book Lover
For a continuation of this piece, read: THEIR Death is the Only Boundary That They Won’t Cross