The Use of “Health Crises” in Scams
In the book There is No Ethan by Anna Akbari, the author was communicating with “Ethan Schuman” via a dating site. Ethan had a health crisis around the time when the author began to question the authenticity of his life story. He was offended that she could be so selfish to question him during such a difficult time.
This instance of catfishing happened in the early 2010’s; it was the wild west of online dating. However, even today I notice that when people get scammed, whether it is from a fake celebrity profile or a supposedly handsome man trapped on an oil rig, there is always some sort of crisis- often a health one. It disarms the victim into putting the needs and emotions of the other person first. It delays their questioning.
Sick or Injured People are Not Beyond Reproach
When it comes to health, I think it is very easy for boundaries to blur. Sympathy can get over-extended, which can be weaponized. We tend to over-give to those experiencing a health crisis, which can be an issue if the crisis lasts a long time. It can be depleting.
I gave time, money, and emotional support that I did not have to people who were struggling with their mental or physical health. However, it is only sympathy if it is given without resentment, otherwise it is toxic.
Online scammers will ask more of victims than the victim is comfortable giving. The victim gives in to this in order to be a good person and maintain the relationship. They think they are building credit in the relationship by offering this help, but it backfires.
I have had people in my own life who were perpetually going through a health crisis. These weren’t people online, but rather real people that I knew. It is such a delicate balance of kindness but also boundaries.
The stress of their health crisis was often used to excuse bad behavior. The expectation of sympathy was also used as a blanket to cover up past wrongdoings, like “I know I did wrong in the past, but I am sick now”. And let’s face it, no one wants to fight with a sick or injured person.
Moving Forward
Now that I am older, I intentionally surround myself with people who view their mental and physical health as their own responsibility. It is a green flag when they take responsibility for this and have appropriate boundaries. Others can help support them, sure. But the decisions they make that impact their health are up to them.
This has made my online and in-person relationships happier. There is no resentment buildup on my part and no chronic disappointment in me for how much (or little) I can help them on theirs. It isn’t that I only surround myself with healthy people, just that I noticed how much I value a healthy attitude even in a sick individual.
Their struggles make me like them more, not less and this deepens the relationship. I think my new found maturity has given me the perspective to realize where my energy is going when it comes to my relationships and if it is being spent well.
I like seeing the decisions the people I’m close to make, and I love the fact that they are responsible for those decisions, not me. Just as I am responsible for my own. It is freeing for all of us.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on Apr. 11, 2025)
To read more thoughts on There is No Ethan by Anna Akbari, you can follow these links:
- #8 Reflections on “There is No Ethan”
- Recognizing Abuse Online is Hard
- Why Do Smart People Get Scammed?
- The Importance of Healthy Relationships
- When Intelligence Meets Manipulation
- Conveniently Timed Sorry’s
- How Many Blog Posts Can I Write About a Single Book?
There is No Ethan by Anna Akbari is available here.
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