I read the book There is No Ethan by Anna Akbari and one thing that I noticed is how smart the author’s conversations were with the person who was catfishing her. Their conversations were elevated and funny. They both came off as highly educated, well-travelled, and sociable people. She did not seem like the type of person who would fall for a fake online profile.

At-risk populations, like seniors, can be targeted by scammers because they are vulnerable. But young, well-rounded people can fall for it too.

Whenever someone gets deceived online I have noticed that they almost always say something along the lines of “I’m a smart person” and sometimes they genuinely are. What causes a person like that to fall for what outsiders see as obvious red flags? Here are a few reasons:

Why Do Smart People Get Scammed?

1. The Nature of Scams Has Changed and Continues to Change

We have said goodbye to the days of a distant Nigerian prince asking us for U.S. dollars. Scams are more subtle and those who run them play the long game as well as the numbers game. If they reach out to many people, they just need a few to respond to make it worth their while.

2. Scammers Are Persistent

Nefarious people online do not often walk away easily once they know they have found a worthy target.

In the book, one of the victims blocks the catfish only for the catfish to create a new email again and again. Once a person falls for a scam, they are likely to be put on a “Sucker List”. The scammer now knows the person is an easy and worthwhile mark and will try to repeatedly scam them, even pretending to help the victim resolve the original scam.

3. People Are Distracted

It is understandable that occasionally you accidentally open a fishy email if you open hundreds of emails a day. Or that you pick up a suspicious phone call when you get regular phone calls. Your attention is focused on other things and so you can’t devote your full attention to each task. You must move on to the next.

This goes for emotional distraction too. A person’s discernment will be lowered if they are personally going through a tough time themselves, like through a loss or divorce.

4. Being Isolated Makes You Vulnerable

A person will overlook red flags if they are getting something from the relationship.

Often what they are receiving are simple things like attention, respect, intimacy, etc. But in the book There is No Ethan, the catfish was often disrespectful and yet the victims stayed in contact. Toxic (online) relationships can isolate a person further. It is a rabbit hole that you feel ashamed to have fallen into and so you try to hide the bad parts from your friends and family which only prolongs and worsens the situation.

5. Emotional Manipulation

Scams can range in time from a single moment to going on for years. During this time, a close relationship can be built. Also, some people view online relationships as a “safe” alternative to meeting someone in the real world because there is no immediate potential for physical abuse. It feels like a safe place to be vulnerable. It is easier to do this through a screen rather than in-person. That level of personal honesty can be addictive and a victim can feel understood possibly for the first time in a long time.

The problem is, over time these relationships can develop into some of the closest relationships a victim has ever had. That means they will be extremely unwilling to disappoint the perpetrator. People-pleasers can be at particular risk for long-term scams. They have been primed to accept bad behavior already.

6. The Sunk-Cost Fallacy

This is a phenomenon where people are reluctant to leave situations that they have invested heavily into with money, time, etc. Mix that with emotional entanglement and a person may stay in a toxic online relationship much longer than they know is good for them.

The Cost of Getting Scammed

In There is No Ethan though, the catfish never asked for money, only for the victim’s time, trust, vulnerability, and attention. It turns out the catfish asked this of several women. But why? What does a catfish get from that that would make it worth the effort? Power? Closeness? Attention? A sense of importance or distraction? I genuinely don’t know. This book took place around 2010 and online relationships will only get more complex with time.

Healthy Relationships Are Important, Whether Online & In-Person

Relationships in general, whether online or in-person, make up a significant part of our daily happiness. In order to live a good life it is essential that you have healthy, happy relationships with others and with yourself.

During my year-long journey of self-improvement, I am assessing the relationships in my own life. Like I said in an earlier blog post, I have deactivated almost all of my online profiles. I have taken stock of which ones add value to my life and even then I only use those ones sparingly. I’m not perfect, but I would say my intentional efforts to clean up my online “relationships”- be it with colleagues, friends, family, or complete strangers are certainly moving me in the right direction.

I did not, however, go on a “blocking” spree… unless a person was incredibly toxic. It was much more gentle than that. Instead, I simply turned my digital attention away from the things that do not support me. Maybe they will in the future, but for now I am setting my sights in a healthier direction.

Messy Bun Book Lover

(Originally posted on Apr. 9, 2025)

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