You Are Allowed to Leave: 60+ Valid Relationship Deal Breakers

What are “Valid” Deal Breakers?

Many people stay in unhealthy relationships because they are not sure if what happened was “bad enough” to justify leaving. And when these toxic behaviours are repeated, they become “normal”, which makes you even less likely to question them.

So, I want to list some valid deal breakers.

This isn’t a list of my personal deal breakers, nor is it meant to tell others what they should and shouldn’t put up with.

It can be incredibly complicated to disentangle yourself from abusive situations, and black-and-white deal breakers can minimize this.

The phrase “deal breaker” implies some sense of autonomy, which many in abusive situations don’t have.

Rather, my intention for creating this list is to assure you that these are valid reasons to leave someone and never talk to them again.

The reasons below vary in severity. Some are obvious forms of abuse (yet still easy to question when they are happening) and others are more subtle, slowly eroding trust, safety, autonomy, or dignity over time.

Why This List Matters

Often, when an abuser does something bad to another, they will claim it “wasn’t a big deal”, that the person is being “too emotional”, or that they are “overreacting”.

All of these phrases are meant for the victim to forget about what happened, not question it, and for things to go back to normal.

The confusion that comes along with this can be one of the greatest barriers to leaving a toxic relationship.

It might not even be clear that harm has been done until years later. Throughout which time, the abuser benefits from the victim’s confusion and lack of self-trust, as the victim is more reliant on the abuser’s version of events.

This list is to combat that confusion; to remind you that your comfort and boundaries should be for you to decide with clarity and independence. They are not for anyone else to decide, including me.

Valid Deal Breakers

Physical

• if they harm or threaten to harm you or others physically
  • including pets, children, friends, family, etc.
• if they use physical intimidation to stoke fear
  • ex. throwing things during arguments, breaking things, punching walls, getting in your face, blocking your exit, etc.
• if they recklessly put you or others in dangerous situations
• if they do not respect your physical boundaries
• if they do not respect your physical limits
• if they dismiss your physical pain or illnesses
• if they pressure you into medical or cosmetic procedures
• if you don’t feel safe around them
• if they threaten to harm themselves in order to control your behaviour

Sexual

• if they take or share explicit photos of you or others without consent
• if they use AI to create nude photos of you or others
• if they sexually assault you, or you find out they have previously done so to others
• if they disrespect your sexual boundaries, such as pressuring you into doing more until you “give in”
• if there is an imbalance in sexual responsibility
  • ex. if responsibility to manage pleasure, contraception, safety, consent, and consequences (like expenses or children) fall largely to one person while the other simply focuses on their pleasure
• if they have sex with you when you are unable to give consent
  • ex. when you are asleep, on heavy medication, or drink too much alcohol
• if they knowingly expose you to an STI without disclosing it
  • ex.
    • if they know they have an STI and don’t inform you before sex
    • if they know they have an STI and actively lie about it when asked
    • if they don’t get tested despite knowing they have been exposed so they can claim ignorance
• if they exhibit reproductively coercive behaviour
  • ex.
    • if they lie about being on birth control
    • if they secretly stop birth control
    • if they remove the condom during sex without your consent
    • if they sabotage contraception, like poking a hole in a condom
    • if they pressure you to stop using contraception
    • if they lie about their fertility
    • if they pressure you to terminate or keep a pregnancy

Verbal

• if they lie to you
• if they cause you to question your understanding of events rather than seek to understand your perspective
  • disagreeing with someone is different than gaslighting them
    • disagreeing is “I don’t see things that way and don’t think you’re right”, gaslighting is “you’re crazy for thinking that”
• if they talk down to you
• if they use degrading language toward you
• if your voice is less valuable than theirs
  • especially if you have more expertise on the subject
• if they mock your feelings or vulnerabilities
• if they regularly call you “too sensitive”
• if they use verbal threats as a control tactic

Social

• if they isolate you from others
• if you regularly have to apologize on their behalf to others
• if they humiliate you in front of others
• if they betray your trust by revealing private or personal information
• if they spread rumours about you or misrepresent situations
• if they use family or cultural expectations to justify harm
• if they act completely different in public and private

Financial

• if they steal from you
• if you can’t trust them with money
• if they borrow money from you and show no intention of repaying it
• if they accumulate debt in your name without your knowledge
• if they put all assets in their name only
• if they control your access to money and make you ask for it
• if they make important financial decisions without your input
• if they sabotage your attempts at financial independence
• if they expect you to carry a disproportionate share of the financial burden
• if they create financial crises that keep you dependent on them

Spiritual/ Moral

• if they expect you to unquestioningly conform to their belief system but they do not consider yours
• if values are an expectation not a discussion
• if they ask you to lie for them, or put you into other morally uncomfortable situations
• if they use your good reputation to mask their bad behaviour
• if they consistently position themselves as the victim in every conflict without introspection
• if they use guilt as a form of control
• if they expect seemingly endless forgiveness from you, and blame you if you fall short of this
• if they weaponize your values
  • ex. family, hard work, forgiveness, commitment

Mental/ Emotional

• if they make you feel small or incapable
• if they punish you with silence or withdrawal
  • taking space for emotional regulation is healthy, weaponizing this is not
• if you feel like you have to constantly manage their mood
• if you feel you are losing self-trust because of them

General

• if you feel relief when they aren’t around
• if you aren’t growing around them, you are shrinking
• if they have a mindset of “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”- because it absolutely can
• if you have to walk on eggshells around them
• if your personality feels “watered down” around them
• if their behaviour doesn’t change after an apology
• if they blame stress, mental health issues, or addictions for their poor behaviour without any accountability for the harm they are causing or any attempts to improve
• if they harass you or continue to harass you after the relationship

If you recognize any of the behaviours in this list, you are not being “too sensitive”. Not only are these behaviours serious, they can escalate.

I think that is why people in these situations gravitate to the term “deal breaker”. It feels like putting your foot down, and can be the first step to reclaiming your autonomy.

But don’t be discouraged if your outer circumstances don’t match your inner deal breakers.

Even the last point in this list of reasons of why it is okay to leave, touches on harm that can happen after a person tries to leave.

“Leaving” may take several attempts.

These types of situations show how “theoretical” deal breakers can be. Although, they are still important. Instead of a black and white line, deal breakers are more commonly a gathering force.

Each incidence is another straw on the camel’s back.

The Role of the Environment

One reason why deal breakers often cannot be immediately stood for is the role of our environments.

Often toxic people operate in toxic environments. In those environments, toxic behaviour isn’t challenged. It’s normalized.

So even if you ask others for help or advice, they may side with your abuser.

This adds to your inner confusion and loosens your grip on your boundary. You begin to question yourself even more.

And the toxic cycle continues on and on.

Can Relationships Heal?

Perhaps you recognized some of these behaviours but aren’t ready to let go of the relationship. That’s okay.

Relationships are typically a mix of very good and very bad moments.

But the deal breakers are still valid all the same.

You can try talking to your partner about these issues and see how they respond. That will inform you if the situation can be improved or not.

If they shut down any sort of discussion, the behaviour will likely continue. If they are receptive and try to make it right then they may have just not known that it was a boundary.

The latter scenario builds trust and closeness, while the former destroys it.

Growing Healthy Relationships

Relationships should feel good. They should make you a better version of yourself, and you should enjoy the time you share with others.

Healthy relationships do not require constant vigilance. They involve rest and care.

In the future, I hope to write more about growing and maintaining healthy relationships. But that starts with recognizing toxic ones, and either improving them or getting out of them.

Maintaining healthy relationships requires different skills. It can be hard to switch from survival mode to a growth mindset. But it is well worth it.

I hope this article has helped you to get one small step closer to healthier relationships, or to hold tighter onto the healthy relationships that you already have.

You deserve to feel valued and respected.

And if you have forgotten that, well there is one person here to remind you of it.

Messy Bun Book Lover