Comparing Your Values to Others
In her book Disentangling From Emotionally Immature People, psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson suggests a simple yet eye-opening exercise: compare your values to that of the emotionally immature person in your life. Doing so might explain why the relationship feels strained or misaligned.
I would like to do this, but in a softer, more general way. I think anyone who picks up Gibson’s book does so because they are struggling with an emotionally immature person in their life- that was why I read it. But for this post, I don’t want to create such a binary distinction. Instead, I want to explore deeper the nature of values.
Values Are Not Like Math: 1+1 Doesn’t Always Equal 2
On the surface, values seem simple; they are “good things” that we all (hopefully) share. However, I have found that two people can act in opposite ways while both believing they are “doing what is right”.
Take the example of forgiveness. One person might see forgiveness as the highest virtue- a sign of loyalty, sacrifice, and family unity.
Another may see forgiveness as conditional (in a good way). To them, they might need to see signs of changed behaviour in order to forgive someone. They do not see forgiveness as something that can be forced, especially if it enables further harm. Both people are prioritizing a value, but the way they define and apply it creates a conflict.
This is the slippery nature of values: they can be twisted, stretched, or weaponized to justify actions that, to someone else, feel harmful. Commitment, for instance, is often noble. But if commitment means “never leaving even if you are mistreated” the value itself is distorted. Likewise, generosity is beautiful when it flows freely, but becomes coercive when demanded.
Values are not fixed truths. They can look very different based on how they are applied. Below is a list of examples of how values can be interpreted in different ways.
Different Ways to Interpret Values
Love
Interpretation A:
Love is shown through commitment and sacrifice, even when it hurts.
Interpretation B:
Love feels healing and supportive, not harmful.
Belonging
Interpretation A:
Your worth comes from fitting into a group and “getting along”.
Interpretation B:
Belonging only matters if the group treats you with respect and kindness.
Honesty vs. Kindness
Interpretation A:
Always say “nice” things, even if it means avoiding hard truths.
Interpretation B:
Honesty, even when uncomfortable, leads to deeper trust.
Generosity
Interpretation A:
Generosity means giving to others, even when it drains you.
Interpretation B:
True generosity must be freely chosen, never coerced.
Forgiveness
Interpretation A:
Forgiveness should be given quickly, even at a personal cost.
Interpretation B:
Forgiveness can’t be forced; it depends on safety, respect, and genuine change.
Respect
Interpretation A:
Respect looks like obedience and deference.
Interpretation B:
Respect is mutual and authority must be earned.
The Past
Interpretation A:
Best to leave the past alone and not “reopen old wounds”.
Interpretation B:
Looking at the past through a new lens helps prevent further harm.
Self vs. Group
Interpretation A:
Putting yourself first is “selfish”.
Interpretation B:
Caring for yourself is necessary and a sign of self-respect.
How Differing Values Affect Relationships
When I look back at my most unpleasant relationships, I can see how differently we interpreted the same value. We were like two oxen attached to the same plow, pulling in two different directions. It was exhausting and unproductive.
Neither ox is necessarily wrong, they are just oriented differently to each other. They might not be malicious, but they aren’t aligned either. And this causes friction.
The deeper lesson is this: values are not fixed absolutes. Their meaning shifts depending on culture, upbringing, disposition, and lived experience. What one person calls “respect” another might call “obedience”. What someone sees as “selfishness” might be healthy boundary setting to another.
Recognizing this doesn’t magically solve the conflict but it can illuminate why conversations stall and relationships feel incohesive.
I enjoyed Gibson’s exercise. I did a personal version that I will keep private, but I wanted to post this general version because I think this conversation is important. It isn’t about judgment, but rather clarity.
By articulating not only what we believe but also how we apply those beliefs, we can understand the invisible forces shaping our interactions. And perhaps, more importantly, we can reclaim our own inner compass instead of being yoked to what no longer serves us.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on Aug 18, 2025)
Read Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People by Lindsay C. Gibson → https://amzn.to/4ojhmGC
This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend books and tools that I truly love.