“You claim the gods should love and care for humans. I disagree. I don’t think love can be bought or earned or even prayed for. It must be freely given.”
– Axie Oh, The Girl Who Fell Beneath the Sea
Can Love Be Forced?
Axie Oh put into words something that has humbled me in adulthood. That is, that love cannot be forced. It is an intangible force that comes and goes when it pleases.
There are some emotions and behaviours that can be willed into being- they are habits that can be cultivated, like sacrifice or loyalty. But love isn’t one of those.
Love gets shown in the involuntary ways your face lights up and your pupils dilate when someone you care about enters a room. It shows itself in the way that you notice minuscule details about them and want to get to know everything about them; also in the way that you miss them when they are gone and in the tears you cry for a dead loved one.
That is love. And that feeling cannot be forced. No amount of loyalty or sacrifice can dilate your pupils. In fact, I often find these habits can dim the light in your eyes.
I think there is a lot of space between pretending to love someone, such as for need, convenience, or commitment, and actually loving them deeply.
Can Trust Be Forced?
Trust is the same way. If a partner cheats, I will often see the other “give them another chance”. The person will say: “I’ve chosen to trust them again” and then immediately tell you about all the ways that they don’t actually trust their partner- like tracking their phone or reading their messages.
You can try to trust someone again after betrayal- but if you’re still checking their location, you don’t actually feel that trust. You want to, but it hasn’t arrived.
Trust, like love, cannot be forced.
It shows up in the way you can joke with your lover about their “other girlfriends”, knowing perfectly well that you are the only one and they will be in bed next to you by 10 pm every night. You feel it in the way you both talk openly about struggles, knowing that you are safe from judgment. And you also feel it in the safety that comes from sleeping next to them. You know that they have your best interest at heart in all ways. That feeling cannot be willed into being.
And I think that is how you know these emotions are true- because no amount of force can make them come or go. You can choose loyalty, you can choose sacrifice- but love and trust are like flowers. They can be cultivated, but never forced to grow.
Do you agree?
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on Aug. 8, 2025)
Read The Girl Who Fell Beneath the Sea by Axie Oh → https://amzn.to/4ok9On2
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