I think I just figured it out: the two kinds of “love” that I have experienced.
Before, if a person told me they love me I sometimes wouldn’t feel it. I know they meant it but it was like their love would get lost in some maze on its way to my heart. I had to take their word for it. In fact, I often felt worse off for their love and I could never understand why this was. And then it recently hit me.
I will use the two different types of reactions to my smile as an example.
Group #1: Love to See Me Smile so They Don’t Care if it’s Fake
They genuinely love to see it. Nothing makes them happier than to see me smile. They also love it when I make them laugh, even if I have to fake my emotions; even if I have a stomach ache, or had a bad day.
They call me the light of their life. They could not imagine their life without me and so they do not like thinking about any problems with me such as health or relationship problems. They pretend these problems are not happening so conversations often need to be repeated. I feel unheard, but they are able to hold all the good things about me in their mind and heart even if those are not reflective of reality.
Group #2: Love to See Me Smile but Only if it is Genuine
They can tell when I am faking my smile and get offended when I do so. They want to know the real me and hate it when I slip into a people-pleasing mindset. They get offended if I haven’t told them about something that is bothering me. If I have a problem, they want to be there for me.
I feel their love for me. I love spending time with these people. I love being next to them. I feel better off for their love, not worse off. I don’t have to fake anything and am at peace in the relationship. I receive their love directly into my heart and it is like a warm hug that spreads throughout my body.
The Impact of These Two Types of Love
For the first group, I add value to their life by constantly trying to meet their needs or live up to their ideal image of me- which is often very different from my ideal image of myself.
It isn’t just that they want me to be the best version of myself and that I am falling short of that. No, it is often more subtle than that, such as: they prefer my hair long and I like it short, or they tell me which city they think I should live in even if I don’t feel at home there. The difference between how they measure my value and how I measure my value are often subtly different. And yet I still hear about it if I am not reaching the standard that they have for me in their mind.
For the second group, I can just be me. They don’t love me for the value I add to their life or how far I bend over backwards for them. They love me for just being me. I LOVE people like this. These people are the ones I will be bawling at their funeral for. The first group however, if I am completely honest with myself, I will not miss the impact they have on me.
These are two very different reactions to being “loved”. But the love comes from such a different place. So I say this to anyone else struggling with relationships: pay attention to who notices when you fake a smile. And ask yourself if someone didn’t notice, did they actually not notice or did they simply not care? You deserve someone who notices right away.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on June 18, 2025)
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