Book #4
Judgment Detox
By Gabrielle Bernstein
Ugh, Forgiveness
This book snuck up on me in surprising ways. It is an unassuming book on spirituality. It is not one of Gabrielle Bernstein’s most well-known books so I guess I went into it without any sort of expectation.
I found reading this book to be a meditation. It is such a peaceful read.
Sometimes I find books on healing or spirituality can be really draining. My first three books have been like that. They were all really great, but I felt myself getting lost in my thoughts (in a good way) after reading them. With Judgment Detox, I did not get that same feeling of pensiveness. There was a lightness.
There was one part of this book that was the exception to that though.
The author was talking about letting go of judgment towards someone who wronged you. As I was reading this part of the book, I noticed my fists and teeth were clenched. I can tell I am not at a place of fully forgiving others.
So, let me see if I can lighten this feeling within myself. One way the author suggested to do so was to focus on the lessons that were learned from the relationship. So here goes…
Lessons From My Most Toxic Relationships
Lesson #1: To be More Self-Protective
Naive → Angry → Wise
When I look back on my life, I can definitely see a turning point.
I was perhaps a little naive to the world and after certain relationships I was angry and confused. My fists and teeth were beginning to clench.
I don’t think I have been fully relaxed since meeting these people- or at least, not as relaxed as I was when I was young. Certainly “not-a-care-in-the-world” kind of relaxed. But maybe that is just a part of growing up.
Through these relationships I learned the value of thinking about my mental, physical, and spiritual safety first. To prioritize these. I am genuinely grateful that I do that now.
It also prepared me to take better care of others since I am now aware of what can go wrong. Hopefully I will never need this knowledge in the future, but I certainly listen to that small voice in the back of my head more. That is a good thing.
Lesson #2: Being Okay with Walking Away
It’s Okay For Relationships to End
Lesson #1 would have prevented me from meeting bad people in the first place, lesson #2 would have helped me walk away before things got bad.
I think often in relationships there is a belief that ending a relationship is a bad thing. This can be a romantic relationship, coworker, friendship, family, etc. People (myself included) typically do all that they can to make things work.
But I regret wasting time and building resentment in relationships that weren’t the right fit.
I wonder if we’ll ever get to the point in society where we can celebrate relationships ending- not in an “eff you” sort of way, but in a “yay, everyone is better off” sort of way.
I am grateful to know I can walk away from someone early and that is not quitting, it is simply an acknowledgment that we are not the right fit.
Lesson #3: Knowing Myself Better
I wish I had known my own character better, then I would not have allowed other people to tell me who I am. I am grateful now that I trust my own opinion of myself over people who hardly know me. I think that ability will serve me well in life.
Lesson #4: Recognizing the Power of Influence- Both Good and Bad
“Independent” Choices Can Be Heavily Influenced By Others
I wish I would have recognized that my “independent” choices can be affected by others. Life does not take place in a bubble, we are all interconnected. My choices can be affected by individuals, groups, corporations, governments, the media, algorithms, people I have never met before, people I will never meet, and people I have known my whole life, to name a few.
I thought it was enough for me to just make my choices on my own. Now I recognize how much the outside world can impact my inner world. That is both a blessing and a curse.
Choosing Better Influences
Now, I will intentionally surround myself with positive influences going forward.
It is impossible to measure the impact others have on us, but two ways that I try are by asking myself: 1. How do I feel around them? and 2. Is my life getting better by having this influence in my life?
If I have good answers to those questions then I continue on, if I don’t like the answers then I walk away.
This is not a perfect system. It isn’t always obvious what impact something or someone is having on us, but this is the best solution I have come up with so far. I am curious what methods other people use to spot a positive or negative influence. I hope to grow my understanding of this throughout this year of growth.
This also helped me to recognize the genuinely good people in my life and I have been working hard to fill my life with their influences. Good people are worth their weight in gold, I want to give to them as much as they have given to me.
Lesson #5: Realizing What I Want From Life
I want to have fun in my life and relationships. I thought I needed to give too much to others in order to make things work. They would tell me I just needed to try harder and I would listen. Or they would tell me I just need to relax, that everything was fine.
But I was miserable.
I am glad that I can now see it is okay to enjoy my life. I get to choose it. My relationships, my values, my home life, my career are all mine to choose. It is important to me to genuinely enjoy my life, I am grateful for learning that before it is too late.
Lesson #6: Seeing Things as They Are, Not What I Want Them to Be
I needed to remove my rose-colored glasses when it came to others, the world, and myself. I see things more plainly, no longer the way I wish it could be. This has helped me to avoid a lot of disappointments and for that I am grateful.
In the book, there is an exercise where the author asks you to list your judgements, even small ones because then you may see an overall pattern. I thought this was very smart.
Even as I was trying to organize this blog post, I started with 10 lessons that I had learned and realized that many could be categorized together. There were in fact patterns to my grievances and the lessons learned because of them.
This blog post was cathartic to write and I do feel incrementally more forgiving by doing this exercise.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on Mar. 14, 2025)
Judgment Detox by Gabrielle Bernstein is available here.
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