The Need to Feel Secure & Connected
While reading Misbelief by Dan Ariely, I realized that I can explain one of the overarching issues in my life with more scientific language. That is, the difference between insecure and secure attachment. I have slipped into a mindset of insecure attachment. I no longer expect the ground to support me. This has caused me to be incredibly risk-averse. It is why I have lost the confidence to pursue all the things I want to pursue. So the question is… how do I get back to a place of secure attachment?
Ariely explains that insecure and secure attachment are not discrete states, it is a sliding scale. Any increase in the direction of secure attachment will have benefits to your life. This in itself is reassuring to me. This issue has affected me for many years now and the thought of having to change it drastically leaves me feeling anxious and confused about how to go about that. Small, incremental change is much easier to digest when it comes to big issues.
I Distrust Myself & Others
As a kid, I certainly felt secure attachment. This showed in my ability to take risks and try new things. I was experimental.
Now, as an adult who has had to pay the crushing weight of bad decisions, I am much more cautious. However, this cautiousness has backfired to the point where I don’t take any risks at all- which is in fact the biggest risk a person could ever take in life. The risk is that you get to the end of your life never having found yourself or tested your limits. You lived the entire time in the box that was most convenient for others.
At the beginning of this Reading Challenge, I read The Top Five Regrets of The Dying by Bronnie Ware. So many people had this type of regret. Even though I know this is inhibiting me living my best life, I still can’t break free. But that just means I am going full-speed down a road in a direction I don’t like. It won’t end well, and I can see it coming. Yet still, why can’t I find my way?
… Right after I wrote that, literally right after, I picked up Misbelief and read the following: “In adulthood, we can increase our secure attachment through forming and maintaining deep and trusting relationships that will buffer us in times of stress.” This is also what Ariely suggests for protecting each of us from falling into misbeliefs.
He says that when trust is lost, we should resist the temptation to withdraw it further as this will only isolate people further and exacerbate problems.
We are more effective individuals when we give trust to others, when we don’t we become reclusive. We stop pursuing opportunities for fear of future violations of trust.
Trust Has to be Genuine, Not Forced
I have learned some hard lessons with trust. I was definitely somebody who put a lot of trust in others. Too much I would now say, with the benefit of hindsight. Each time trust was broken, I would at least subconsciously start to distrust others, even if I outwardly tried to forgive.
I regret extending trust when it was likely to be broken- like if a person consistently disappoints you and shows no signs of changing their behaviour. That broken trust affected my life despite me outwardly smiling with tears in my eyes saying “all good!” I wasn’t yet at the point of admitting the reality or consequences of the broken trust, but I was feeling the impact already.
However, I regret withdrawing my trust generally. I lost a lot by doing so.
Learning How to Rebuild Genuine Trust
So when should trust be given and when should it be withheld? I don’t actually know the answer to this. I think everyone needs to find the boundaries that they feel most comfortable with.
For me, I want to practice giving trust in small ways. I want to trust other people to do their jobs, I want to trust other drivers on the road, I want to trust that good decisions are being made when I am not around to oversee it.
These all seem to stem from a sense of feeling out of control. Perhaps now I will consciously acknowledge all the times trust has been honoured. Every time I stepped on a plane and arrived at my destination safely, for example. The pilot, cabin crew, airline, aircraft engineers, and air traffic control, all fulfilled the promise of getting me and the other passengers to our destination safely.
I usually never think of this because I am too relieved to be back on the ground. I just go about my day without acknowledging the trust honored. But I think reframing my mind to see all the ways people deliver on their promises and the ways I deliver on my promises to others will help break me out of my distrustful mentality.
Distrust vs. Disappointment
I also want to make the distinction between being distrustful vs. disappointed. If a romantic interest rejects you then there is reason to be disappointed, but no trust was broken so there should be no loss of trust.
Similarly, if I am sad about my relationship with a parent, when is that because I am disappointed and when is that because trust has been lost?
Even though those two categories are regretful, there is a distinction. One is because something we wished for didn’t happen, which does not necessarily reflect poorly on others, the other is because a boundary was violated. Both are important to acknowledge and should affect my future behaviour toward that person. But there is a difference.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on May 25, 2025)