Using My Voice For Good
When I was young, there was an older man who orbited my life.
I felt uneasy around him, though not necessarily unsafe. Only in adulthood did I come to learn of the multiple allegations that had been made against him involving inappropriate sexual behavior toward minors.
I was lucky at the time to not be one of his victims. Although, I shiver when I think about all the stuffed animals he gave me.
And now that I am an adult, I have the ability to stay far away from him. So I feel safe enough to talk about this without fear of retaliation.
In doing so, I hope to prevent future harm to children who are not so fortunate.
Strange Morals
Today, I want to talk about something that perplexes me about this man. There is a strange quirk in his moral code: he hates swearing. Absolutely can’t stand it.
He thinks anyone who swears is rude, disrespectful, and uncouth.
He judges this far more harshly than the act of sexually harming children.
Most people, myself included, likely perceive a huge moral difference between the two as well, but in the reverse order. Inappropriately touching minors is much, much worse than foul language.
Why does this man have such a sense of proper behaviour, but not when it truly matters? Why does he hold onto certain morals so strongly and have such a loose grasp on others?
Perhaps the difference comes from the fact that policing manners gives him authority- and the potential to dole out punishment, while excusing harm done to children gives him lack of consequences.
He is protecting his own position of power through his beliefs.
But that doesn’t make those beliefs right.
In fact, it makes them deeply wrong.
It is Okay to Be Rude
The Reaction of the Perpetrator
I’ve learned that manners are subjective, and it is okay to be rude- especially if it prevents you or someone else from being harmed.
Sometimes rudeness is self-protection, not moral failure.
In fact, many predators will test your boundaries to see if you will prioritize their comfort over your safety.
They don’t want someone who will make a lot of noise. If you assert your boundaries in a strong way, they will likely get upset by this. They will accuse you of overreacting and not being “nice”. This way, you are labelled as the villain, not them. Even though they were the one pushing boundaries.
This strong reaction from the perpetrator can cause victims to subdue future reactions- as they begin to question their perception of the situation and fear future outbursts from the perpetrator.
So the abuser will either cultivate this attrition or move on to another victim who is more quiet, submissive, or vulnerable.
The Reaction of Bystanders
Bystanders can also react poorly when you express firm boundaries, especially if you are in a social environment where softness and kindness are revered.
But if someone expects you to follow inflexible rules blindly and put up with harm, then they may be struggling under a toxic belief system themselves- or are using this belief system to their advantage.
Their distorted sense of right and wrong prioritizes a power structure over individual wellbeing. And this leads to a perpetuation of harm, not an end to it.
Teaching Children to Protect Themselves From Harm
It isn’t the child’s responsibility to anticipate harm from an adult. This expectation should never be placed on them. But there are ways to empower children to know their own worth and recognize harm sooner.
Instead of teaching children to be polite, we should teach them:
- That their boundaries matter
- That their bodily comfort matters
- That anger is an appropriate response to being harmed
- That they should be able to express their emotions, and that it is unhealthy if these are repressed
- How to speak up for themselves
- That they matter
- That the authority figures in their life don’t have all the answers, and are not always right
- To develop a healthy sense of self and discernment
- That individuality can be respectful and obedience can be harmful, depending on the context
- Respect matters, but only if it is mutual
- Allowing someone to disrespect your personhood is not a sign of respect; it is a sign of obedience
The Dark Side of “Respect Your Elders”
Unfortunately, phrases like “respect your elders” can be weaponized by those with bad intentions.
Respect must be mutual and given willingly. If it is demanded, then it is subordination.
And you are not obligated to give this to someone who is harming you.
I do not want to encourage minors to be rude or mean to their elders. On the contrary, I want to help cultivate relationships that are mutually enjoyable and beneficial. Each party should be able to stand up for themselves and others. Every voice deserves to be heard.
So this post is a reminder that the worst thing you can do isn’t to swear at someone. It is to harm someone in lifelong ways.
That is what a pedophile taught me about manners.
Messy Bun Book Lover