Excess & Limitations
Last year, I began my 52-Book Reading Challenge because I needed a change.
If you have read some of my content, you can probably tell the types of things I was struggling with at the time: health issues, toxic relationships, and questioning lifelong unhealthy beliefs.
That being said, the opportunity to read this many books in a year came with a certain amount of privilege: a lot of free time.
Turning Suffering Into Something Valuable
It is no accident that I chose a reading and blogging challenge to fill my year. I was frequently bedridden and those are two activities that you can do from such a position.
I didn’t want to feel listless, so I decided to create my own schedule to adhere to. In doing so, I turned falling behind into an act of independence and personal creativity.
Still, I was tired.
There were often times where I laid with my head on the pillow, exhausted, staring at my laptop screen sideways, as my hands moved across the keys like two carpal-tunnelled spiders, feeling completely disconnected from the rest of me. Only my arms and mind seemed to be working.
Visually, this image reflected the grotesque comedy of my situation.
Overwhelmed and immobile. Anxiety in human form.
Similarly, illness and trauma can be lonely- but so can reading and writing. I pivoted from depressing loneliness to creative loneliness. It was an upgrade.
This way, I didn’t have to grieve the lack of regular company; I could relish in my own.
Suddenly, a bad situation felt like a wonderful opportunity to get to know myself and make something I am proud of.
Creating Your Own Purpose
This challenge made me feel like I was making progress toward a better life, which gave me hope and the ability to imagine a brighter future.
Action can be healing, in whatever form. Even if it is slow.
For the first time in a very long time, I found myself excited to wake up in the morning.
It didn’t matter that only a few people read my posts each day. I had purpose again. I was doing it for me.
I enjoyed the fact that I was taking on a new challenge, not just ruminating in self-judgement. My confidence, self-esteem, and voice began to regrow. I started feeling more like myself again, and I believe in some ways, this helped my health return.
My energy was no longer being rerouted to rumination and toxicity. It was being put toward more constructive areas.
Yet, I can feel myself edging toward a dystopian toxic positivity. Maybe I should write an article: 10 Ways to be More Productive on Your Death Bed. Haha… I think not.
Instead, I want to emphasize that rest is important, especially when you are vulnerable. But so is the self-confidence that comes from doing something you are proud of.
Achievement and struggle can coexist, as can suffering and happiness, and even privilege and disadvantage.
The Strange Mix of Privilege & Disadvantage
We often think of privilege and disadvantage as being distinct categories. We are either one or the other. But life’s blessings and burdens don’t cancel each other out. They exist beside each other, interacting, and coalescing in strange ways.
Like someone who has all the money in the world, and an incurable disease. Or someone who has social privilege, but is abused at home.
The peculiarity of this can give whiplash.
I had the privilege of time to read but also the trauma of the circumstances that inspired that opportunity. I had to find empowerment even though I felt nowhere near that. I took baby steps because those were my only option.
In the future, I hope my book reading challenges are inspired by peace, not desperation, and focus on happier topics like the things I enjoy, not disentangling from harm.
I don’t want my achievements to centre on overcoming trauma, but rather chasing my dreams. And instead of toxicity, I want to write about beauty, nature, friendship, and girlhood.
The former topics were necessary for me, but are not the end goal. The end goal is feeling like myself and living my best life, and helping others do the same.
Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that your baby steps accumulate in a way that leads you out of the woods and to the life you dream of.
Messy Bun Book Lover