“… needing solitude too often usually means there is a discrepancy between who you pretend to be and who you actually are.”
– Brianna Wiest, The Mountain Is You
From Bubbly to Isolated
Welp.
I feel called out.
I used to be very bubbly and outgoing, but now I spend a lot of time alone. This isolation is partially out of necessity, and partially self-imposed.
The world can be overwhelming these days and so I just seek peace. It is healthy to enjoy time with yourself; that is a sign that you like your own company. However it can also be an avoidance strategy.
I miss having a great time with people I care about. During my undergrad, I would allow myself one night a week to let my hair down. (I was very studious the rest of the week, don’t worry.) It wasn’t even about “partying” per se, it was about spending time with friends.
Often my night wouldn’t end until about 5 am just because I was enjoying their company so much. I didn’t want it to end. I miss this social exchange for the pure joy of it. In adulthood, there always seems to be a reason for socializing: networking, your kids are friends, you are neighbours, or colleagues. It isn’t just about the fun anymore and the mutual enjoyment of each other’s company. There is always some practical reason.
When Socializing Becomes Practical
But just like children, adults deserve good, fun relationships too. This would make them better parents, teachers, bosses, citizens, etc. It would decrease anxiety and increase feelings of connection. Everybody deserves this, and yet in the modern world, I find it easier just to isolate myself.
A Discrepancy Between Our Outer & True Selves
So if I think about this issue in the context of Wiest’s quote, I can definitely see a discrepancy between my current isolated and social self. That discrepancy did not always used to be so big. In fact now that I think about it, my isolation correlated exactly with the distance that developed between my true and outer self.
At the time, I spent a lot of time in communities where there were a lot of unspoken realities. I really struggled with this. It felt like lying by omission to not talk about these issues, and problems weren’t getting any better. But we currently have a culture of presenting a shiny, perfect image so I withdrew gradually- first by speaking up less, then by showing up less.
Poor Boundaries Led to Broken Relationships
I have also struggled with the responsibility that I feel in my relationships. I didn’t take the time (and didn’t have the knowledge yet) to understand what was a healthy and unhealthy dynamic. It makes sense that I would want to isolate myself from unhealthy relationships.
Rediscovering Closeness
Recently, I was talking to my sister. For years I had told her how much I enjoy sleeping alone. I’ve never felt the urge to share my bed with anyone. I take up the whole space. It’s great. When people would talk about needing to sleep next to someone I absolutely could not relate.
That was until recently.
When my sister asked about how I felt sharing space with a new person in my life I mimed a baby putting its arms out, whining, wanting to be picked up. I really wanted to share my space with this person. I wanted to be touched by this person, not even in a sexual way, just in a closeness way.
This is because there is less discrepancy between who I am independently vs. who I am around them. In fact, I think in a lot of ways, I am more myself around this person. I have no desire to isolate myself from them.
So that created an interesting problem. I started to notice which relationships I felt like myself in, and which I didn’t.
Gulp.
Sometimes it is easier not to recognize these things.
Healthier Dynamics & My True Self
I don’t want to put all the responsibility of my desire to be around others on the outside world. A lot of it is an inside job. But I think all the self-improvement work I have been doing lately has brought me to a place where I am ready to accept healthier relationships.
I know what I want and what I am deserving of. This makes me a better person to be around which makes the enjoyment of company mutual. Either way, if I am by myself or with others I want to prioritize being my best self. I don’t want to be stuck only in a space of isolation or community.
My greatest responsibility is to my truest self, the rest comes after that.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on June 8, 2025)
Read The Mountain is You by Brianna Wiest → https://amzn.to/4ojKGg2
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