Acknowledging My Own Needs

I think putting my needs first is what this blog is all about. Well, actually that might be too ambitious to say. I think I have to start even smaller than that by perhaps first admitting that I even have needs and beginning to wonder what those needs are.

For so long, my first thought of the day has been other people. This might seem like a romantic thought, but it wasn’t out of love, it was out of a sense of harm minimization. How do I keep them happy?

Now I am moving toward a place of asking: what can I do to make myself happy? What do I value and enjoy? It turns out, a lot of things.

I have missed feeling good about myself and doing the things I love. I miss thriving and being known for what I love, not the things that others have done to me.

This reminds me of the Taylor Swift lyric: “And I miss you, But I miss sparkling”. I really miss sparkling. That is what makes me me. My life has really lacked my own essence lately and has instead been filled with other people’s drama. What a buzzkill. I miss sparkling.

I think after a period of putting others first, it is common for people to not know what to do with themselves. Their thoughts are no longer guided (controlled) by another person and so they feel overwhelmed and confused. What to do now? I have lost the ability to decide things for myself, not based on others. But I am getting it back.

Why Confusion Lingers Even After You Have Left

You think once you leave a toxic situation that the smoke will clear and that you will see your life with a new found lucidity. But this is not realistic. Toxicity requires healing even after you have left the scenario. Why is this? Here are a few reasons:

1. You Spent Years Ignoring Yourself

You no longer know yourself. Years of self-neglect have let your sense of self wane. Besides, you aren’t the same person you were when you entered the relationship.

You spent years ignoring your goals, feelings, values, and self-expression. Were you ever allowed to prioritize these things in the relationship? Or did the other person have to come first? Were there consequences if you did not prioritize them?

Could you express yourself or explore your own potential? Or did you have to mirror another person’s thoughts and emotions? Did you ever give space to your own? Probably not. But you can form this now. Get creative with it and have fun and most importantly BE YOURSELF. Finally!

2. Your Sense of Self Was Connected to Others

Your self-esteem largely came from your association with a particular person or group. You and the toxic person were likely one entity. There was no room for individuality. It wasn’t encouraged.

This made you hesitant to leave because you would lose so much more than that person. You would lose your perceived sense of self, community, or titles, perhaps. You only felt important through your association with them. Now that that is gone, what is left? (It turns out a lot.)

3. You’ve Been Gaslit

Their voice has become the dominant one in your mind, so they affect you even when you have left them. It will take time to lose this conditioning and for the volume of your own inner voice to grow and for theirs to shrink.

This has caused you to confuse your own identity and values with those of your abuser. But you are likely very different from them. Disentangling your image of the two of you in your mind will be necessary in order for you to go down a different road than your abuser.

4. You Changed External Circumstances to Please the Abuser

You likely changed your appearance, location, mannerisms, etc. to please your abuser. Now you may find yourself alone in a city that you moved to for them, wearing clothes that reflect who they wanted you to be, not who you are, living a life that they designed, not one that you designed.

It is a lot easier to gain a sense of your inner self when you can glimpse it through your outer world. Start cultivating this, even in small ways. Your outer world can affirm or detract from your inner self, design it consciously.

5. Empaths Feel Others’ Energy Very Strongly

I find that people who feel the energy of others strongly get confused about who they are. They instead see themselves as a collection of the random energies they interact with. There is no room for themselves. This can make them feel powerless and out of control.

Finding ways to regain power in this way will be essential. This can be through therapy, meditation, identifying and nurturing healthy relationships, spending time in nature or doing the activities that you previously loved to do. I find that exercise is helpful. Other people’s energy doesn’t seem to affect me as much when I am high on endorphins.

Finding your way back to your true self can feel like a daunting task. It can take years and since your self-esteem is low you may feel like “what’s the point?” But there is so much value to you regaining your sense of self. Both you and the wider world have been missing out on it for far too long.

Messy Bun Book Lover

(Originally posted on May 20, 2025)

Four books that I recommend are:

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Putting My Needs First