The Progression of an Abusive Relationship

Very rarely do abusive relationships start out that way. Often each person involved is on their best behavior in the beginning. Wonderful memories are made. You hope this will last forever.

Over time, disquieting experiences start to show. You start to feel unheard or subtly disrespected. No matter. The person has treated you so well up to this point, it is probably just a misunderstanding. But the misunderstandings keep happening, and get worse and worse.

You slowly start to realize you are miserable. There are still amazing moments in the relationship, but things aren’t like they were in the beginning.

As the relationship continues, you start to realize what has been lost. You are more isolated, your self-esteem is lower, you trust other people outside the relationship less, you are struggling in work or school, you are more reliant on your partner: mentally, emotionally, socially, financially, etc. The abuse escalates as you lose your ability to get out of the relationship.

The following paragraphs describe categorically why it is harder to pull yourself out of abuse the longer it goes on.

Why it Gets Harder to Escape Abuse

Mental

One of the greatest strengths of an abuser is their ability to confuse others. They will intentionally blur lines, gaslight their victim, and blame shift. They will have you questioning your sanity. After all, you are easier to control when you are less confident in your own decisions and capabilities.

You stop fighting their decisions and become mentally dependent on them. They don’t need you to agree with them, they just need you to doubt yourself to the point where you hand over your power.

Not all of this mental self-doubt is theoretical, it becomes real. So much of your mental energy goes toward keeping an abuser happy that you are no longer thinking clearly in other areas. They have become your priority- not work, school, or other relationships.

Any mistakes that you make strengthens the abuser’s argument and makes you believe you need help with decisions. Your doubt grows because you have the evidence right in front of you. The longer the relationship goes on, the farther you will drift from your truest, best self.

Emotional

Over time, an abuser will find out more about your emotional strengths and weaknesses. They will exploit your values. If they find out you love family then they will accuse you of turning your back on family any time you disagree with them. You value your religion? Then they will say you aren’t being true to it if you don’t endlessly forgive them.

You stop trying to argue with them because it is never worth it. It’s better to just avoid the fight and so you don’t bring it up in the first place. This means issues grow bigger and bigger when unaddressed.

You begin to develop a feeling of worthlessness because you subconsciously don’t agree with your behavior. It doesn’t feel good. This feeling of worthlessness makes you accept more abuse.

This satisfies the abuser. They are happier when you are emotionally shut down. They can get away with more and have no repercussions.

Social

If you start out with a robust social network, this will quickly dwindle with an abuser. They get jealous of your relationships with others and expect you to make them the center of your world. They will frame this as you showing love or loyalty.

They don’t like your most cherished friends because those are the ones who care most about your well-being and will call the abuser out for their behavior. One way the abuser will isolate you is by planting seeds of distrust between you and your friends, this is called triangulation.

Slowly, over time you realize that you haven’t been investing in those other relationships, only the abuser. You have either fought with those friends or let the relationships simply wane.

You can’t even be a good friend to them because you are so focused on pleasing your abuser. You constantly have to turn against yourself and your own values in order to keep the abuser happy, which makes you lose friends all the more.

You no longer do the group activities that you used to love. You are less involved in your community. This causes you to withdraw further.

You stop receiving texts and invites to hangout. You don’t like lying to your friends and family so you just avoid them and pretend all is well. After all, there will be consequences if you don’t pretend that everything is fine.

So now, you are dependent on the abuser for almost all of your social connection. They may evoke an “us against the world” mentality.

If you ever try to leave the abuser, they will go scorched earth on you. There will be a massive smear campaign. They will want to limit your social network, your ability to find new friendships and relationships, and your ability to be socially self-sufficient.

During the relationship, you said and did things which kept the abuser happy. When you tell others the truth now, they don’t believe you. They have heard otherwise and so they question the timing and severity of what you are saying even if they do care about you. You often are not believed even by those closest to you.

Financial/ Career

Nothing drains a bank account faster than an abusive relationship. Toxicity is very expensive. It requires a regular habit of throwing money at the problems in your life. You are always reacting, never planning. And your ability to plan becomes even more limited if your abuser takes direct control of your finances or has power over your career.

This sense of powerlessness and fear can make you emotionally unstable, which makes it even harder to make good financial choices. You become less and less likely to excel in your career. There is an opportunity cost to abuse. It changes talented, ambitious people into broken-spirited people who never want to leave their apartment.

Say goodbye to making genuine professional relationships and pursuing opportunities. These require trust and confidence which you no longer have in yourself. Your focus turns from the goals that you once had to keeping your abuser happy.

You are in survival mode in every way.

Your feeling of worthlessness distorts your sense of your own potential and what you deserve. The quality of your work will decrease because this situation takes up so much of your time and energy.

Besides changes to your personality, your body language will also reflect the abuse. You will no longer confidently stand up tall and look others in the eye. You will just want to be left alone by everyone.

If you ever try to leave an abuser, they will try to tarnish your professional reputation. This will make it more likely you will have to go back to them. It is a power move and is so delicate to avoid.

Physical

You begin to put the physical needs of your abuser first. It does not matter that you are exhausted, you need to keep them happy to prevent further problems. You see pouring your energy into them as a self-protective move. But this is a short-term game. No one can do this forever, and why would you want to self-neglect your physical needs?

Also, the fear of harm is ever-present.

The point of highest risk of physical harm is when someone tries to leave the relationship (or in some other way does not do what the abuser wants). You constantly have to walk on eggshells and mirror the abuser’s behavior in order to prevent physical harm. Even if they do not harm you physically, the mere spoken or unspoken threat of physical harm is enough to get you to do a whole lot of things that you do not want to do.

Sexual

A singular negative sexual event is a horror. Repeated negative sexual events become a routine. You get numb to it. You no longer fight back, you don’t care anymore. You don’t ask for help. This makes continued sexual abuse much more likely.

If you ever try to question it, the abuser will likely do one of the following:

claim it was a misunderstanding
frame it as uncontrollable passion
- “Don’t you see how much I love you!” they’ll shout
claim it as their right
guilt you for not meeting their needs

They will come up with reasons why you “promised” to fulfill them sexually, like through the vows you took or if you slept with them more in the past. They will frame this as you breaking your word. It will be your fault if you don’t want to do it. You are the bad person for misleading them.

But they know what they are doing. No good person has ever asked another to do something sexually that makes that person uncomfortable.

Similar to physical abuse, the mere threat of sexual violence is enough to control you. This can include sexual violence that does not involve physical touch. Revenge porn, false rumors, pimping you out to their friends, or a consequence unrelated to sex (such as threatening to kick you out when you have no money) can all be reasons why you stay and do whatever they say. Your problems will escalate if you don’t.

Spiritual/ Moral

“Good” values are often weaponized, such as forgiveness, love, loyalty, positivity, and selflessness. In If Only I’d Known! author Chelsey Brooke Cole writes that it is a wonderful thing to be a giver, until you meet a taker. If you have no boundaries with your giving, those people have no boundaries with their taking. Good qualities turn into bad qualities when dealing with an abuser.

A common value that I see weaponized is that of forgiveness/ second chances. How many times do abusers ask people to forgive? Do they ever earn that trust back? Or just borrow trust on credit? How many times have they asked for a “second chance”? Is it really a second chance or is it really a 1000^th chance? And how many other people, besides you, have they asked for second chances from? They are asking a lot of the world around them to keep giving them yet another “second” chance and yet you are the bad one for not giving it.

You Aren’t Willing to Lose What You’ve Built

The longer a relationship goes on, the more good moments there will be- even in abusive relationships.

A person might not be willing to walk away from the genuinely good parts of a relationship: family, good memories, their home, etc. These can keep a person stuck in toxicity for longer. They have put years of effort into these things (and likely neglected others), so they will want to stay and make it work. They may try to tell themselves that “the good outweighs the bad”, or if it doesn’t, then they perpetually hope that it will.

Your Community Can Work Against You

Unfortunately, communities can perpetuate abuse. This makes a victim feel even more isolated, especially if they tell those around them about what is happening, and nothing comes of it.

It means that help may have to come from outside your community, by someone with a different perspective (often called an “enlightened witness”).

Part of this is because abusers thrive in spaces of low accountability. They also work with other abusers, creating a network, and protecting one another.

Therefore, you may be seen as the “crazy one” for having so many issues with the system you’re in and the people in it.

When you ask for help from those around you, they may use guilt or obligation to keep you there. They may tell you that you just need to “try harder” or “work it out” for the sake of others.

But “trying harder” should never come at the expense of your safety. Never.

What Next?

Pulling people out of these situations is incredibly complex and delicate.

For bystanders, it is important to document any abuse that you see occurring. This will take pressure off of the victim to do so, and will diffuse the abuser’s power. Don’t dismiss the victim if they ask for help, and don’t necessarily trust them if they say that “everything is fine”. They may not be able to speak freely.

Getting the victim out of a situation like this will be easier the more support they are offered.

At the bottom of this page, you will find more resources: books that helped me get out of this type of situation, and other posts: the differences between healthy and toxic relationships, and a list of valid deal breakers.

Messy Bun Book Lover

(Originally posted on May 15, 2025, Edited April 2026)

Update:

Four books that helped me get out of my situation are:

If you are in a precarious situation, I recommend listening to these audiobooks since it is more discreet than physical books.

The Suction of Abuse