Book #6
I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki
By Baek Sehee
The Fog of Depression
At the beginning of this book, Sehee describes her depression as a “vague state of being not fine and not devastated at the same time”. It reminded me of my own words in my blog post entitled “Book #3- Reflections on ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying’”:
“I am now in my early 30’s and am doing okay. I am not thriving but I’m not dying either, life just goes on day by day getting incrementally better.”
Same energy.
I am more accustomed to the extremes of depression, not the absence of feeling. I don’t know what to do with my current state. There is less of a road map.
At least when you’re at the bottom, you know you have to get better. It gives a direction.
But this? I don’t know which way to turn. This is the state in which it is hard to focus or maintain my energy.
It’s like a fog; a brain haze that makes it hard to know what I am working towards. It was nice to hear the author talk about feelings that I have but couldn’t put into words.
Are You Allowed to Speak Your Mind?
Another similarity was the way the author talked about a close relationship, and how different her feelings were compared to the other person’s. Her sister says she only feels comfortable around 2 people, one of whom is the author; yet the author herself says she feels incredibly uncomfortable around her sister.
Here are my own words from my blog post entitled “Authentic Self-Expression”:
“Shari Franke talks about how her mother, popular Mommy Vlogger Ruby Franke, was the only one in the house allowed to show emotion. And it got me thinking… I have relationships in my own life where only the other person is allowed to express themselves- and they do, often to an extreme extent. I am left with a lot of swallowed words and feelings.”
Again, same energy.
3 Different Writers With Very Similar Feelings
Books have a way of connecting.
In these examples, I am comparing the thoughts of a South Korean woman, the daughter of a Mormon felon, and myself- a messy-haired book reader in her early 30’s.
It is fascinating how similar each of us feel even though we have never met and probably will never meet. The human experience is wild. How can they speak the words right out of my mouth?
Reading is Cheap Therapy
This book also made me realize how helpful reading can be. It is cheap therapy.
I have gone to therapy on and off over the years, but some advice I would give to my younger self when therapy wasn’t an option: read.
There are so many books on anxiety, depression, toxic relationships, addiction, etc. that it is a good (and cheap) first step to finding answers.
It also helps you feel less alone and can validate your thoughts and feelings. If someone you have never met before has gone through something similar and is feeling the same way you do then maybe you aren’t being crazy or emotional after all.
Reading also has low stakes. Walking into a therapist’s office can be intimidating, expensive, and requires commitment but reading can be private and personal.
It is a baby step toward greater assertiveness. Yet it is more passive, just like self-help podcasts, audiobooks, documentaries, etc. You can hear someone else’s words before you are ready to talk about your own.
To be clear though, I am not a therapist. I am not qualified to give medical advice. This is just something I have experienced. If I would have reached for a book sooner, I could have taken my first steps toward healing a lot faster than I did.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on Mar. 21, 2025)
I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki by Baek Sehee is available here.
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