The Complication of Sharing a Name With Your Abuser
My latest post was a review about The House of My Mother by Shari Franke and something about it got me thinking. As I was writing it, at one point I was typing the author’s name: Shari… then I went back and deleted that to write “Franke”.
So often women (especially young women) are referred to by their first name in a professional context (the same way we refer to children) while men are more often referred to professionally by their title or last name.
But I also hesitated because I think the name Franke has in the past, been most associated with Ruby. I wanted to make clear that it was the daughter’s voice in the book that I was speaking of, not Ruby’s and so I chose to write her first and last name when referring to her: Shari Franke.
Reclaiming Your Name & Narrative
Shari Franke has discussed her jarring experience of being spoken for by her mother and even looking and sounding like her. What mixed feelings that must give. That is a lot for a young person to process when trying to find her unique identity. There are so many outside influences distorting this understanding. This realization made me more proud of her for doing so and the fact that, with this New York Times Bestselling book she may very likely become the better known Franke- and for a good reason.
Fame and notoriety are likely not the overall goal, but reclaiming your identity so that when people think of you, they think of the positive things that you’ve done and not your abuser- that is quite powerful.
Identity Confusion
I don’t personally feel like my name or identity are currently my own. I feel that influences in the past have hijacked these for their own purposes. This has led to a certain identity confusion within myself.
I was lucky in one way though. Shari Franke has the added complication of looking and sounding like her abuser.
This means that every time she looks in the mirror she sees some mix of herself and her mother. I am grateful that is an added complication that I don’t have in my own life.
I think the reverse side of this is the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing someone else you love, sounding like someone you admire, or sharing someone’s name and feeling proud. You are proud to share this feature, especially if it is someone you lost. Or when someone else shares that important person’s feature, you don’t want to look away. It is a constant string of attachment- a reminder of love, positivity, and eternal connection.
It made me reflect deeper on the impact we have on one another and the ways this can manifest in crucial aspects of our identity like name, voice, and appearance.
Who in my own life do I not want to look away from? Whose name am I proud to share? Whose am I not? I don’t have full answers to this but will continue to question it.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on Mar. 8, 2025)
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