Virginia’s Experience
In Virginia Roberts Giuffre’s memoir, she talks about trying to reconcile with her father- a man who had abused her for years, starting when she was a young child. She wanted to do this for the sake of her kids, who she felt deserved to have a relationship with their grandfather.
Virginia deeply believed in the importance of family and felt that she was being a hypocrite by not fostering that relationship between her father and her children.
Her intentions seemed genuine, but unfortunately her father’s boundary violations began occurring immediately after the reconnection.
The same tactics that he had used on her as a child seemed to be occurring again, just in a different context: the expectation that she put up with discomfort, the emotional manipulation, and unwanted touching all continued. Despite giving her father another chance, the problems were too big to ignore, and the relationship eventually ended.
My Own Experience
In my own writing, I have talked about the fact that I grew up around a predator. I had no idea that he was one at the time. The adults in my life knew about the danger he posed, but wanted to “protect” me from that fact and allow me to have a relationship with him.
Thankfully, he never hurt my sister or I (as far as we know), although many other children weren’t so lucky. However, much of his behaviour towards us takes on a much darker appearance in the rearview mirror.
One example is his excessive generosity. He would buy us gigantic stuffed animals and playkits, and eventually as we got older, this turned into perfumes and expensive makeup.
As opposed to generosity, this now feels like grooming.
And it makes me sick.
When Kids are Put in the Presence of Danger
I am writing this blog post as an open letter to any parent, like Virginia, who may be grappling with this issue. These words are written from the perspective of someone who was a part of the next generation of potential victims.
I was never hurt. But I could have been.
For all intents and purposes, I experienced the “ideal” outcome in a lot of people’s minds- a relationship with this man, without being injured by him.
But I was harmed by him, just not outright.
This relationship taught me that I should tolerate danger out of social obligation- a habit that continually put me in danger years later.
It taught me to interpret red flags as compliments.
And it showed me that if you ever express your discomfort over a weird moment, then you are the one violating the social code. You are the one breaking up a family… or a church… or whatever community you exist in. Not the predator.
The predator wants to keep everyone together. Their desire for access is framed as benevolence, by them and everyone else.
It taught me that adults who “cared” about me put social obligation ahead of my wellbeing.
They said they watched over me like a hawk, and justified that he never hurt me, so what could be wrong?
But there are countless moments that I remember being alone with this man. He stayed in my house for week-long periods at a time. This now feels like an eternity when just one single bad moment can completely derail a person’s life forever. Every tick of that clock held the potential for violence.
Close Contact is Still Contact
To me, this situation is as if a parent swings a baseball bat inches from their child’s head then tells them that they shouldn’t be upset because there was no contact.
But there was close contact, and that is enough to lose trust in those adults forever.
It also teaches victims that their flinching or outrage are the problem, not the threat.
Healthy relationships don’t include danger or dark secrets. They don’t require constant vigilance.
To Parents Out There
If you want your child to maintain a relationship with a predator, just know that in doing so, you may be sacrificing your own relationship with them.
Years after I have seen the dangerous man, the topic of him is still one of the most enduring fights that I have with the people who were supposed to keep me safe.
Instead of protecting me, their secrets put me in harm’s way. And instead of fostering a relationship, they set in motion one that was destined to end anyway.
A better way to protect me would have been through honesty, and agency.
They could have easily told me the true nature of the situation in an age-appropriate way; some version of: “(He) did bad things and needs to be held accountable for them- that is why you can’t see him.”
I might’ve asked questions, but I doubt I would have protested. This man wasn’t even that important to me, honestly. I just would’ve shrugged and gone back to playing.
Then, when the child is an adult and has been fully informed about the nature of the person, they can make their own choice as to whether to develop a relationship with them.
If the dangerous person dies before the child reaches the age of adulthood, then the burden of missed opportunity is placed on the predator, not the child.
Often parents assume that the child may regret never knowing that person. But my guess is that they won’t, especially after they learn the truth.
I have never regretted the distance between the dangerous man and me. And I have deeply regretted the closeness.
In fact, the adults in my life wanted to avoid giving me the feeling of missed opportunity. But, if anything, that man took up space in my life that could’ve gone to someone who genuinely cared about me. And that is where I grieve the missed opportunity.
I missed having a healthy presence in my life, but I have never missed having a dangerous one.
Generations of Potential Victims
Like Virginia’s kids, I was a part of the next generation of potential victims.
Unfortunately, in my case, I wasn’t the last generation that the man had access to. He has generations of victims, including up to this present day.
He never changed. Just like Virginia’s father showed little desire for change. Just a desire for access.
Sometimes, there is freedom in loss.
Children deserve to grow up safe- not with an air of safety that comes through secrecy- but genuinely safe.
I wish I had that. And I wish other kids did too.
Messy Bun Book Lover
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