Jovial(?) Roadside Chaos
Today, I was walking along a sidewalk with my headphones in.
It was the perfect day to spend outdoors, sunny and warm.
To my left was a busy road, and to my right was a gorgeous view over-looking the water.
All of a sudden, a small construction truck drove past me. I didn’t see it coming, since it came up behind me, but after it passed, I saw there were three men in the front.
The man closest to the window made a loud noise as they passed me, like a bark. I jumped and as they drove on, I saw him craning his neck to see my reaction.
I was smiling.
But did I think it was funny? No. I was walking next to a busy street and there was a loud noise right behind me. It scared me.
But still, my first instinct was to smile.
I have talked about similar instances- all of which involved men who made me nervous: a man who ran a stop sign on his moped, an older bus driver who blew me a kiss.
In each of those cases, I smiled at them. Yet my outer expression didn’t match my inner feelings.
My smile feels like a spring-loaded deescalation tool used to soothe chaos, before I even understand it.
I want to be able to express my actual reaction without being called uptight, irrational, a “Karen”- or without feeling bad about making other people feel bad. I don’t want to mask my discomfort in order to not spoil anyone else’s fun.
My smile should only be a sign of my enjoyment. My peace. My sense of safety and joyful connection with others.
Right now, this spring-loaded smile is a barrier to genuine connection. It feels fake.
What must the men in the truck have thought? Probably that I thought the moment was lighthearted and funny.
Do I think the man in the construction truck meant me harm today? No. I think he was making a joke. And I don’t blame him for that.
I just… want to be able to participate fully in interactions that involve me.
Messy Bun Book Lover
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