Book #46
I’m Glad My Mom Died
By Jennette McCurdy
An Unexpected, But Familiar Story
I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy is an account of the author’s life as a former child star, which was heavily influenced by her overbearing mother. It reminds me of another book I read during my 52-Book Reading Challenge: The House of My Mother by Shari Franke.
Both titles center on emotionally abusive mothers who were members of the Mormon church and who pushed their daughters into performing on camera from a young age. And in both cases, the daughters are now telling their stories directly, reclaiming their narrative through their books.
I had no idea of the stark similarities when I picked up this book.
Obedience as Survival
A common theme within these stories is the need for obedience.
McCurdy describes growing up in a world where there was only one acceptable answer to any question: to agree with her mother.
Even basic acts of independence- like showering herself, or choosing her own flavour of ice cream- were seen as acts of rebellion and betrayal. Her mother’s emotional volatility created a landscape of invisible emotional tripwires that Jennette learned to navigate from a young age.
And so she perfected the art of performing for others while shutting down emotionally.
When You Only Exist For What They Need
Jennette recognized that she was only allowed to have the parts of herself that were useful to others. Her successes were never her own and her struggles were only acknowledged if they made her mother feel needed.
If Jennette didn’t serve her mother’s sense of purpose, or even if she inadvertently challenged her mother’s identity as a good mother, chaos would ensue.
A World Built Around Someone Else
Since Jennette learned to orient herself around predicting and preventing her mother’s reactions, her identity was fully attached to this.
But this creates problems, even in the person’s absence.
When the person you have built your life around leaves or dies, it can feel like your whole sense of self and the world are collapsing.
You haven’t developed your own personality or the ability to navigate the world- only the ability to navigate your abuser, which is a capricious game.
That is why even the loss of a toxic person can feel devastating and confusing.
Why Her Story Hit Close to Home
Although I was far from being a child actress, some parts of her story felt familiar: the people-pleasing, the chaos, the sense of emotional and financial responsibility.
When Jennette’s mother was particularly upset at her daughter’s behaviour, she would blame Jennette for giving her cancer.
I cringed at the vitriol of these sections of the book. Yet, they felt all too familiar. I heard similar statements from one of my parents, such as:
- “You’re killing me!”
- “You’re causing me to drink”
- “We are going to lose the house because of you”
- “We’re going to have to sell (mom’s) wedding ring”
- “You’re going to give me a heart attack!”
Many of these statements felt believable because they were genuine worries. This parent was hospitalized about every 6 months; I couldn’t count how many times they were close to dying. Even now, I can still recall the feeling of desperation.
And so, I believed I was to blame for putting them in that situation, and that I was responsible for healing them.
It never occurred to me that a lifetime of poor health and financial choices on their end may have contributed to these events.
But when you are a child, you don’t realize the context, and I think toxic parents take advantage of this: a child’s innocence, family loyalty, trust, the reverence they have for their parents, and the incomplete information that they have.
Now that I am in my early 30’s, I have greater perspective. I see parents more clearly as people; no longer as deities. And I now know that it is never a child’s responsibility to regulate or fix their parents.
Respect Should Not Require Silence
I am really grateful to Jennette for having the courage to call out family toxicity- especially between a parent and child- in such an outright way. She writes about this topic so matter-of-factly when it is often expected to be whispered or not spoken about at all. But silence only enlarges the taboo and confusion.
As does the fact that often bad family moments are accompanied by very good ones.
Pain and joy coexist. As do attention and neglect.
Sometimes a parent wants the good parts- the unconditional love and the authority- and not the responsibility of caring for or acknowledging a fully autonomous person.
Families should nurture personal identity, confidence, values, and self-expression. Not destroy these. So when our responsibility to our family includes silencing or shrinking ourselves, then it is important to ask ourselves who we are protecting, and at what cost.
Messy Bun Book Lover
You can purchase these books using the links below:
I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy → https://amzn.to/4poZISo
The House of My Mother by Shari Franke → https://amzn.to/47XSoaC
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