As many of you know by now, I have struggled with toxic relationships in the past. I had poor boundaries, which had been encouraged for my whole life. I was taught not to question things and just work hard.
Now, I am moving toward healthier communities and the difference is striking. Healthy relationships have a way of clarifying just how unhealthy the bad ones were.
So here are a few differences that I have noticed between toxic and healthy relationships.
These are not meant to reflect just one specific type of relationship. It can apply to family relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, work colleagues, etc. The behaviour might be different based on the type of relationship it is, but I have found that the following concepts still apply based on the context of the relationship.
9 Differences Between Toxic and Healthy Relationships
1. Tolerance for Suffering
Toxic
With the people I previously surrounded myself with, it often took years for my voice to be heard. I had to repeat myself constantly while simultaneously being criticized for not communicating. They wanted to be close with me, but they wanted it on their terms.
I was unhappy and I could tell they were unhappy too, but there was a mutual understanding that we just had to suffer through the bad times (which never ended). No one was ever able to make the other one happy, and there was an expectation that we would probably never be happy. We just had to be fine with things the way they were.
Healthy
Now, before I have even realized that I am upset, I will have someone ask me what is wrong. They can see it on my face.
If I stub my toe before walking into a room, they will notice my grimace and ask me about it. And when I respond to even mundane questions with a “that’s fine” I immediately hear: “Fine? How can we make it great?”
These people also often ask me: “In your ideal world, what would you like …” It doesn’t mean that they will immediately go out and get me that thing, it just means that they are looking for a goal to eventually shoot for. They want to know what will make me happy in the short and long- term.
The timeframe of problem solving in healthy relationships is so much shorter than that of toxic relationships. This is partially because communication is typically worse in toxic relationships, and one or more people in a toxic relationship may be in a state of denial about something. They don’t want to admit something so problems go unaddressed for years. It is a way of putting their head in the sand; of going along with “what is”. They find that ignoring a problem is easier than addressing it, especially if they are able to put the burden of responsibility on to others.
2. How Well You Feel You Know Each Other
Toxic
If you’ve had a “close” relationship with someone for years and don’t feel like you know them very well or that they know you very well then something is off. Often in toxic relationships one person isn’t allowed to be themselves, they just have to simply mirror the behaviours and values of the dominant person.
You feel like you have to hide parts of yourself to keep the peace. Nothing gets learned about each other this way and the relationship will only grow in length of time not depth of connection.
I think subconsciously you realize that you don’t actually like each other, so there is motivation not to get to know each other better. You are not curious because deep down you know you will not like what you see.
Healthy
You start to learn each other’s individual likes and dislikes, habits, idiosyncrasies, hopes, and goals for the future. Each person respects the other’s individuality and wants to get to know what makes the other person unique.
You can make jokes around each other and feel like you can be yourself around them. The relationship grows the longer it goes on. You feel like you become more like your truest, best self the more the relationship progresses, which makes you really thankful for having them in your life.
3. Openness of Communication
Toxic
You feel like you can’t speak your genuine thoughts. There are frequent “miscommunications” that seem to repeat themselves. You walk on eggshells with your words and don’t want to mention any underlying problems that you have individually or in the relationship for fear of backlash.
The other person has very little tolerance for your self-expression or attempts at emotional closeness. You also never discuss important topics like values or goals. Everything is very surface-level.
You don’t feel good when you talk or text with them. Your body tenses when you receive a notification from them. Sometimes you may confuse frequent communication with good communication- but these are not the same.
Healthy
You feel like you can go to them with any problem that you have; you don’t have to feverishly try to solve it by yourself. You can approach them early on with it, knowing that they won’t angrily blow up over it. They want to know the things that are on your mind and help you because that brings you two closer. They love being the one you trust with that vulnerable information.
Also, when you have open communication that means you are in a position to make plans, not simply react. You can discuss your individual and collective goals and work as a team to achieve these.
The amount that you communicate is less important than the authenticity. Even relationships with infrequent communication can be healthy. Think of the friend who you haven’t talked to in years but don’t miss a beat with when you meet up for lunch. That is much healthier than a person that you fight with everyday.
4. How You Feel Physically Around Them
Toxic
You may experience physical symptoms when they are around or on your mind: not sleeping well, your shoulders by your ears, a knot in your stomach, becoming tense when they touch you, hands balled into fists, etc. You also may rely heavily on vices such as food or alcohol, as those are your main joys, not your relationship.
These are signs your body is telling you that you don’t like something. You may think: “Well, nobody is perfect,” but healthy relationships feel nothing like this.
With respect to physical intimacy, this can show up in a few different ways. Sometimes people will say this is the only reason they enjoy and stay in the relationship. These relationships tend to have extremes- fighting, then making up passionately, then fighting again. That is a red flag. As is never wanting to touch your partner at all- in a sexual or non-sexual way. Ask yourself why you don’t. Do you feel safe? Valued? Heard? Do they?
Healthy
You feel physically at ease around them and enjoy having them around. Your energy when you are around them feels like you are in a warm bath.
You trust them, knowing that they have your best interest at heart. You can be physically vulnerable with them, not just with intimacy but with any other physical issue that you might have, even if it is embarrassing. You love to come home to them or share a space with them. They feel like home and things just feel right.
5. Success for All
Toxic
Usually in a toxic dynamic, one person has to sacrifice themself for the sake of another. One person is allowed to shine while the other has to take a back seat. This usually starts with short-term promises of reciprocation but turns into long-term patterns of one person always putting others first.
And “success” for the subordinate typically adds to the success of the superior. You can only be successful in ways that are benefiting the dominant personality, being successful in any other way will be seen as a threat to the dynamic.
Healthy
All members want everyone else to be successful in the way that they choose and value. This is an open and on-going conversation that includes everyone involved. There is give and take. There may be sacrifices but these are short-term and are quickly reciprocated. Resentment does not grow in a dynamic like this; love and gratitude do.
6. The Balance of the Relationship
Toxic
Toxic relationships tend to have more extremes: extreme emotions, extreme successes, extreme failures, extremely strict values or expectations, extreme power difference, etc.
Healthy
Healthy relationships acknowledge that well-rounded people and relationships are important. Everyone is allowed to make their own choices. Not too much pressure is put on any one individual and so if that person experiences a loss, they have someone who they can easily turn to. No one is overly stressed or burnt out. The successes are gradual and long-term and the failures do not repeat for years.
7. Proper Boundaries
Toxic
There are frequent indiscretions. You need to ask multiple times for a boundary to be upheld and there always seems to be a reason why you are not listened to. If you feel you must constantly restate your boundaries, that is a sign that your partner does not respect them, or wishes they didn’t exist.
In this dynamic, one person will dance on the line of the other person’s boundaries. They will either cross the boundary when given the opportunity or will gradually move the boundary far away from where you were originally comfortable with. They will frame this as a “misunderstanding”. It is not.
If someone is getting close to the edge of your boundaries and they know it, at the very least they are incredibly comfortable with your discomfort.
Healthy
Boundaries are respected the first time, often without needing to be asked. The people in a healthy dynamic do not want to get anywhere close to disrespecting your boundaries. You feel love and respect for each other. There is no need to control the other person because you trust their judgment.
8. Neither Person Needs to be Perfect
Toxic
There may be an expectation of perfection for one or more parties. You must be perfect based on the values of the other person, not your own values. They get to decide what perfection and goodness look like, not you. And they decide the punishments for not living up to this which typically disempower or humiliate you in ways that make you more dependent on them.
Healthy
You understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses. You are a team. You also understand that there are highs and lows to life, that this is realistic. You want each other to be the best that they can be, but not perfect. Each person is allowed to be the way they are and can decide the metrics for measuring how well they are doing. These are personal not imposed by others- within the relationship or outside of it.
9. Your Perspective on What You Have Built Together
Toxic
You do not like what you have built together and are not proud of it in its totality, or your contribution to it. It makes you insecure and you do not feel like it represents your best self. This is often an area where resentment shows up if the relationship is toxic. One person might have assumed the other person’s values or one person feels taken advantage of.
Healthy
You love what you have accomplished together; it is your pride and joy. You are so thankful for the other person for helping you achieve this. It reflects both you personally and your overall partnership. You have each demonstrated your individual and shared values. They have been a great teammate and you are immensely grateful for having them on your side.
Moving from Acceptance to Healing
Part of the reason that I avoided questioning my relationships sooner is because I think I knew the answer deep down. They weren’t good for me but I felt trapped. I felt like I had no choice, so why question things?
Many people have this attitude with relationships that they consider lifelong, such as their family. You only get one mom, for example, so if she’s toxic then you are stuck with her regardless. And if you don’t want to divorce your spouse then it doesn’t matter that the relationship is unhealthy. You feel you have no other option than to stick it through.
But I think that is an attitude that makes problems stretch on for decades and ultimately the relationship isn’t better off because of it.
Often those people end up getting divorced anyway and regret not doing it sooner. Or if you still want to stay with that person you can discuss more individual pursuits in order to maintain the relationship but get a bit more space. This can lessen the feeling of resentment later on.
For me, I didn’t want to acknowledge the toxicity because I didn’t want to admit that it was (past) time to move on from those relationships. It took me a long time to be able to admit that. I felt I was betraying people who I owed a lifelong commitment to. But that was such a toxic mentality.
It is so nice to be at ease in my relationships now. Before, my relationships felt like nails on a chalkboard. They didn’t feel good at all. Now I feel completely peaceful. I should have questioned things years sooner.
Everyone deserves happy and healthy relationships.
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on June 17, 2025)
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