Book #13
If Only I’d Known!
By Chelsey Brooke Cole
LPC-MHSP, CPTT, RPT
The Compounding Relationship Between Trauma & Blame
Therapist Chelsey Brooke Cole begins this book by talking about how upset she was at herself for being in yet another abusive relationship. The negative feelings she had toward herself had intensified with each mistake, which led to a self-blame tailspin.
The insidious nature of toxic relationships and self-blame is this: the blame intensifies with each negative experience but each time something bad happens, it gets harder to pull yourself out of the situation mentally, physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Blame and problems are compounding.
Cole blamed herself harshly and her partner was very willing for her to accept so much responsibility for the toxicity.
This is a common dynamic in unhealthy relationships. One partner will take on an undue amount of responsibility while the other is happy to let them do so. Perfectionists, rescuers, and people who care deeply for others are at risk of falling into situations where they take on the lion’s share of the blame. The problem with this dynamic? No amount of effort on that person’s part can change the actions or behavior of another.
I learned this the hard way in my own life. The following is a list of things that I spent years genuinely believing I was responsible for:
My Biggest Boundary Mistakes: What I Believed I Was Responsible For
1. Other People’s Health Decisions
Showing Care Freely vs. Being Emotionally Manipulated
In general, it is important to care for other people’s health and well-being. But what happens when this expectation is taken to an extreme?
For many years, it was expected that I help control another person’s eating, alcohol consumption, medicine-taking, and exercise even while I was away or if they hid their behaviors from me. I played a big role in their health. The exchange was never reciprocal. The responsibility was all mine and I would hear about it if “I” was failing.
Now that I am older, I can see how unhealthy this was. I didn’t want this role and did not ask for it. I am not capable of controlling these things in another, nor do I want to.
This unhealthy dynamic lasted for decades and I had crippling self-blame that I was unable to “heal” another.
Every time they did something that harmed their health, I would blame myself. I now see that any attempt at healing them was unintentional control on my part and blame-shifting on the part of the person struggling.
Boundaries in Caregiving
This is such a sensitive topic and I hope that everyone gets the support that they need.
I wrote about caring for others’ health and having boundaries in a previous post (called Why is it Always a Health Crisis?) This is an easy area for an unhealthy dynamic to develop. There is a natural power imbalance and it evokes people’s saviorism and desire to be a good person. After all, no one would want to contribute to the suffering of a sick person.
If I ever did not try my best to help this person (who was older, had more power, and was more financially stable than me) I was seen as an uncaring failure by myself and others. I eventually stopped helping this person not because I stopped caring but because I was exhausted and ended up having years of health problems myself. I spent years of my life stuck in bed and I still blamed myself for not being able to leap out of bed and help this person. There was intense blame on all sides and I bought into it.
Better Boundaries Moving Forward
Now the fog has cleared and I have no interest in this type of dynamic going forward.
I am still someone who cares deeply for others, the difference is now I enjoy my caregiving because it is entered into willingly and lovingly. I love providing care in this way and I hated providing care the way I used to.
Now my bond grows with the people I care for, not resentment.
2. Other People’s Words
I believed for years that I was responsible for the way others communicate. I was responsible for the quality, clarity, and intention behind the information they told. A problem with this? These are not my decisions to make. I am not capable of controlling others when I am not around (and even when I am around them, for that matter). They are capable of this. It isn’t my responsibility nor my right to take over this behavior for others.
I also believed that I was responsible for the way that people received my words. I fell into the trap of thinking that: “if only I could communicate better then they will understand!”
One example of this dynamic is saying “no”. When I would say “no” to something I would often later receive the feedback in the form of: “Ohhhh! You meant ‘no’? If only you would’ve said it differently then I would have listened/understood!”
Yet when I changed the way I said my “no”, they still didn’t understand. I am not responsible for other’s communication or the way they receive information. Which leads to my next point…
3. Other People’s Actions Towards Others
I believed it was my job to stop others from breaking the law or being a terrible person. Or rather, other people thought this and I believed them. This was a constant effort. It is like those people tended toward bad behavior, but I am a risk-averse somewhat neurotic rule follower.
In abusive relationships, often one person feels they need to control the actions of another in order to “protect” that person from the consequences of their own actions.
“If only I could have stopped them then they wouldn’t have…” But what kind of person needs other people to protect them from themselves? What kind of person outsources that responsibility and what kind of person takes it on? What an exhausting dynamic.
Messy Bun Book Lover
Postscript
I was sitting in a quiet outdoor courtyard next to a friend as I finished writing this blog post. When we got up to leave, he asked if I had been productive. I thought about it.
I think 98% of the problems that I have had in my life have fallen into one of these three categories mentioned in this blog post.
How could I have not seen these incredibly obvious patterns before? The only reason I thought to organize my thoughts on this subject is for this blog. Even though it took me far too long to realize all of this about my life, I now can’t unsee these patterns. So yes, I have been incredibly productive today.
(Originally posted on May 14, 2025)
Read If Only I’d Known! by Chelsey Brooke Cole → https://amzn.to/3KRZGU6
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