Tag: female safety
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Abuse Tactics: Blame Shifting
Wiping the Slate Clean One way that abusers can get away with their abuse for so long is by blame shifting: pinning all of their bad behavior on someone else. No matter how awful they are, they will preserve their image (to themselves and others) if they manage to put the blame on someone else. It… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Transactions Used as Justification
“They Took the Money, Didn’t They?” People who are harmed sexually will often face scepticism about the severity of the abuse if any sort of transaction occurred. If they got paid, were gifted a trip or a handbag, or even if they had an orgasm, these can be interpreted as evidence that the incident was “mutually beneficial”, and therefore… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: The Role of Community
Abuse Rarely Happens in Isolation Abuse is often thought of as something that happens between two people: an abuser and a victim. However, this dynamic rarely exists in isolation. Those around them can influence whether the abuse thrives or comes to an end. A supportive community can help someone recognize what is happening, believe their… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Altered Reality
Wearing Away Their Reality All of the following abuse tactics are ways that perpetrators hide the reality of their abuse in order to reduce pushback to it. Once someone’s sense of reality is destabilized, they won’t fight back or hold the abuser accountable because they no longer trust their own perspective. Similarly, this veil can… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Kindness Disguising Abuse
The Villain Acts Like a Hero Abusers rarely present themselves as villains. If cruelty looked outwardly cruel, fewer people would fall for it. Usually, they will cloak their cruelty under an illusion of kindness in order to gain the victims’ trust, and confuse the victims so the abuse can continue. This illusion also keeps their… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: Use of Power Imbalance
A power imbalance isn’t inherently toxic. It only becomes so when it is exploited or when it is intentionally engineered for the purposes of exploitation. Financial & Emotional Reliance The first power imbalance that many people experience is that between a parent and child. Parents can give, deprive, or threaten to take away such things… Read more
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Abuse Tactics: The Use of Force
Force as Action The use of physical force is one of the most recognizable forms of abuse, although it can still go unacknowledged because it often escalates over time. It involves someone using their body (or an object) to harm or restrain someone. In her memoir Nobody’s Girl, Virginia Roberts Giuffre frequently references this type of… Read more
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Common Abuse Tactics: Based on Virginia Roberts Giuffre’s Memoir
A New Miniseries Over the next several weeks, I will be posting articles in a miniseries exploring common abuse tactics. These include: All of the posts will use Virginia Roberts Giuffre’s memoir: Nobody’s Girl as a sort of spine to illustrate these common tactics. Unfortunately, Virginia was a victim of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, yet, her… Read more
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The Helpline Attendant
I knew a man who worked as a helpline attendant. The line is open 24/7 for people who are in crisis to call and talk to someone. I say I “knew” this man because he is no longer in my life any more. We went on several dates, but that’s where things ended. I couldn’t… Read more
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THEIR Death is the Only Boundary That They Won’t Cross
A Depressing Clarification is Needed A few months ago, I published a post called Death is the Only Boundary That They Won’t Cross. It discussed how death is the only cage that can confidently hold predators. But I realize I have to make a disheartening clarification, that is, their death is the only boundary that they won’t cross.… Read more
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I Didn’t Fear a Bear…
A Spontaneous Nature Adventure I was recently in an area with some beautiful hiking trails. I was unfamiliar with that spot and had no map of the trails- I wasn’t even sure if I could find the path off the road, but I didn’t want to lose out on the opportunity to explore. So I… Read more
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On the Men Who Make Women Louder, Not Quieter
The Benefits of a Healthy Dynamic Between Men & Women Because of my feminist writing, some people might assume that I hate men. I don’t. I love and respect men. I adore the dynamic between men and women when it is healthy- and that is why I get so offended when it is not. So… Read more
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He Called it Love
Why Did My Strength Make Me More Vulnerable? He called me a hard worker, he meant it as a compliment, but I have come to loathe this praise. It started as a virtue of mine, but has turned into a trap. I am exhausted and depleted. What has my hard work accomplished except to empty… Read more
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The Smile Women Learn to Have
Solo Female Travels Recently, I posted a personal essay called Someone Ran a Stop Sign… & I Smiled at Them. In it, I talk about how quickly I defaulted to reassuring someone after they had almost hurt me. That post was still lingering in my mind, when I had another experience… Earlier this week, I went… Read more