A Recurring Dilemma
While writing my latest post about I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy, I ran into the same dilemma I had when discussing Shari Franke’s memoir The House of My Mother. Both books involve daughters reclaiming their voice from abusive mothers, and each presented a particular challenge when it came to writing about them.
The Dignity and Identity Within a Name
When referencing authors, I generally prefer using their surname because it feels respectful and professional.
This choice feels especially important for women, who are often referred to by their first name in professional contexts. And even more so in this case because these two women are trying to escape out from their infantilized former identities as child stars and assert themselves as mature adults. The world tends to resist this natural growth.
Yet their last names carry a complication. Both women share their surname with the person who harmed them. Those matriarchs have overshadowed their daughters’ identities and voices for years.
Trying to Name Them Fairly, But Failing
Using just their last name proved to be confusing, as their identities fused with their mothers. But using just their first names felt casual and patronizing, especially when compared to how I reference other authors.
I even tried to refer to them by their full name every time, or by another identifier such as “the author”, but this quickly became clunky and distracting.
Every naming option had its limitations.
I eventually settled on using a variety of different versions of their name, hoping the mix of these would be collectively satisfactory.
A Small But Significant Example of Identity Tangle
This naming issue might seem pedantic, but it highlights the tensions at the heart of these stories: the daughters’ ongoing struggle for respect, individuality, and independence under the shadow of their mothers.
It is a small example of the amount of harm caused when one family member dominates others’ voices in a toxic way. Even years after separation, the mothers’ influence still shapes how the daughters are perceived.
I am not sure what the right answer is to the naming issue or the issue of tangled identity at large. But I think acknowledging the harm, even in small ways, is a good place to start. Even those not directly related to the events have to navigate the ripples of the pain.
Messy Bun Book Lover