Book #45
Women Don’t Owe You Pretty
By Florence Given
So, You Think You’re Really Pretty?
When women are asked if they think they are pretty, the “correct” answer is supposed to be no. It demonstrates humility and shows others that you aren’t vain.
So when the concept of pretty privilege entered into mainstream conversation a few years ago, I think a lot of women struggled to accurately understand their relationship to this. We were never allowed to contemplate our own beauty- and suddenly we were forced to confront whether we benefitted from something we were conditioned to never admit that we had.
In fact, when Florence Given discussed pretty privilege in Women Don’t Owe You Pretty, she did exactly what I did while reading her words.
“No, I’m not pretty!”- proceeds to point out flaws.
It was like a list of my own flaws was lying in wait in my mind, ready for a situation like this. Anything to explain to someone why I am “not that pretty”.
Pretty Privilege is A Wonky Yardstick
Yet, pretty privilege doesn’t come from the way we view ourselves, it comes from the way society views our appearance. Other people typically treat you better when you align with idealized standards, often: youth, thinness, whiteness, femininity, able-bodiedness, heterosexuality, and so on (although these desired features can vary across time and cultures).
Even if we don’t naturally fit into these categories, the ability to transform ourselves to approximate them is its own form of privilege. There is mobility on this scale, but it is often conditional, expensive, exhausting, and fragile.
Women’s Love-Hate Relationship With Their Beauty
People of all races and genders get treated differently for how they look. It is an uncomfortable human reality. Yet for women, the stakes feel particularly high.
A woman’s body is not merely her vessel, but also an invitation for harm and judgment.
Women are expected to be attractive enough to be respected, but not so attractive that you are “asking” for unwanted attention. This line is impossibly thin and changes from moment to moment. Usually in ways that excuse harm.
For many girls, puberty marks the beginning of this tension. It can feel like losing your former self when you weren’t ready to let go of it. It is physically, mentally, and socially disorienting.
I remember thinking my life was over when I had to start wearing a bra. It felt incredibly restrictive, not only physically, but psychologically. Something about my freedom had shifted.
Puberty is also when we typically learn that we are responsible for the ways others treat us. If boys give us attention, it is because of the way our new bodies look in our clothes. We become hyper aware of ourselves.
We try to fit in, not stand out for anything that makes us different, and deemphasize any “flaws”, by either our own, or others’ standards. Instead, we become pretty and palatable.
Puberty is also the start of many uncomfortable beauty rituals, like braces and shaving. Next comes the hair dye or high heels. And our beauty regimes only escalate as we get older and start to show signs of aging: botox, fillers, face lifts, breast lifts, etc.
But in order to stay “valuable” in the eyes of society, many women will go to these great lengths. Myself included.
I haven’t yet reached the point of an anti-aging regime. But I have used wax strips, then laser hair removal. I wore painful shoes, bleached my hair blonde, whitened my teeth, and wore clear, foul-tasting nail polish on my fingers to try to stop myself from biting them. All of it- to apparently- make me “better”.
Your Beauty Makes People Treat You Better- But There Are Strings Attached
Beauty is a double-edged sword. People will generally treat you better, but they often do this because they want something from you. And if you don’t give it to them, their demeanour can flip in an instant. Their politeness turns to vitriol.
It Is Better To Be “Ugly”… Sometimes
Like Florence Given, I blamed my beauty for some of the worst moments of my life.
At one point, she considered shaving her head to make herself less of a target.
Years ago, I cut off over a foot of my own hair for that same reason.
But staring at myself in the mirror afterward, I didn’t feel empowered. I felt worse. The haircut wasn’t for self-expression, it was for self-protection. I had cut off a part of myself based on others, and it felt like it.
In some ways, cutting my hair helped me feel less like a sex object. If you buck societal expectations then people seem to put less pressure on you to live up to them.
It is like a neon sign signalling that you aren’t willing to please others.
And when people don’t treat you like a walking sex toy, then it is easier to feel like a person.
But the haircut wasn’t an invisibility cloak. I was still a woman, just with short hair. Still very much a target.
There are countless other ways that women try to minimize their beauty to avoid unwanted attention- covering up, gaining weight, or withdrawing from grooming or beauty routines. Anything to be less appealing to men.
But, just like the haircut, these are temperamental invisibility cloaks that don’t always work. Plus, something is lost when you are diminishing yourself to affect others’ reactions toward you. Women do this only for something even more essential than self-expression: safety.
No, Actually It Is Better To Be “Beautiful”… Sometimes
In general though, women try to be beautiful by society’s standard because there are benefits to being pretty.
I wonder how much of this effort is due to the benefits, and how much is due to women’s actual preference.
But you typically get more attention and are seen as more valuable to society when you are beautiful- which has genuine career and social consequences, not merely impacts to your self-esteem. It is easier to find a high-quality partner, you might be given more opportunities at work, your problems are typically given more attention, and people like to be associated with you personally and professionally.
The Cost of Beauty
But these privileges come with a cost. Even beautiful women have to maintain this- on a daily basis, and as they age.
For example, if a woman doesn’t get up early to do her hair and makeup, she will be told she “isn’t trying”. While men don’t even need to brush their hair.
And often the “beauty” women pursue reflects society’s desires, not their individual sense of self-expression.
So even if you gain from pretty privilege, you lose something- a part of your authenticity and individuality- by doing so.
Performative beauty is exhausting.
If someone chooses you for how well you act like something you’re not, then you will end up weary and diminished. If they choose you for your whole self, you will end up at peace.
Moving Between Beauty Categories Gives Identity Whiplash
I had a difficult time writing this post. Beauty has given me benefits I didn’t earn and punishments I didn’t deserve- and it is strange to hold both truths at once.
Also, “beauty” itself is transitory- both our own and society’s version of it. Trends change (although there are some persistent ideals) and individually, no one maintains their beauty permanently.
I have been on both extreme ends of the beauty spectrum. I was an “ugly duckling” who turned into a woman who fit the beauty ideal. The experience was quite disorienting- and because of this, I still haven’t quite figured out my own relationship to beauty or privilege.
Perhaps, by the time I do, I will have moved into a new phase of the beauty cycle: aging, which may feel all the more jarring.
Not only have my transitions through beauty been confusing as a whole, my experiences at each level of attractiveness have been as well.
In both my “ugly” and “pretty” years, I had both wonderful and horrible experiences based on my body. And I would struggle to choose which of those years I was happiest.
Are happiness and beauty correlated? I haven’t sorted this out yet.
I appreciate hearing other people’s experiences with their own beauty just as much as I appreciate being able to share mine.
Talking about our individual experiences will help lead society to a healthier, and more inclusive understanding of what beauty really is.
I think we will start seeing it all over the place- and it won’t be so painful and restrictive to achieve this standard.
Messy Bun Book Lover
Read Women Don’t Owe You Pretty by Florence Given → https://amzn.to/4cthNuW
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