Book #29
Influencing Death: Reframing Dying for Better Living
By Penny Hawkins Smith, RN
Reflections on Death
My year-long journey of self-improvement centers around how to live a good life in the modern age- and the other side of life is death. I have already read The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware and it was a standout for me in this Reading Challenge.
People who work closely with dying people can absorb a lot of their lessons and regrets. And yet, they still have time to implement these lessons, while the dying people do not.
Death in the Age of Social Media
I want to be the type of person who thinks deeply about how I am living my life, before it is too late. So I thought it would be interesting to read Influencing Death as it contemplates not only death but also many issues of the modern age- like technology and social media, since the author, Hospice Nurse Penny, is a popular TikToker.
I think initially, when people think of a serious topic like death, and then of someone setting up a ring light to talk about it on social media, it can make us cringe, but also intrigue us. We fear that the topic won’t be given enough soberness and thoughtfulness- qualities rarely associated with social media.
But I think talking about death openly is a really good way to normalize it; much better than pretending it doesn’t exist. It brings it out into the light and opens up the conversation by educating and consoling people without being overly solemn.
Being able to laugh about a serious topic can be healing. It is also deeply impactful to hear the stories of people dying from someone who has years of experience with those at the end of their life.
Personal Experience With the Sick & Dying
I have a lot of respect for people who work in hospice care. Although that has never been my path, I have a strange amount of experience being around people of old age.
This is partially because I grew up in a retirement community. It was like I had many grandparents. As well, I had a perpetually sick parent so hospital visits and the threat of their death were never far from my experience.
However, the person in my life who boasts the oldest age is my 103 year old grandfather, who has lived with my family for the last 20 years. It has been a blessing to have him in our lives for so long. But the blessing of age comes with realities that are tough on everyone.
I never thought about my proximity to the old and the sick- that has simply been the reality of my life. However, reading Influencing Death gave me the opportunity to pause and contemplate what the sick and dying have taught me about life.
What I Learned About Aging From A 103 Year Old Man
1. Not Everyone Has the Same Attitude Towards Death
Respect That Their Wishes Might Be Different Than Your Own
Having these conversations before the end is incredibly beneficial because not everyone views death the same way. Some want to fight until the bitter end. Some want to exit peacefully. While some want to die at home and others want to be surrounded by the best healthcare available. It is entirely personal. So if you don’t know their wishes, ask.
It is also beneficial to give the power to make the decisions related to your death to someone who understands you- not just loves you.
If you are lucky and live well, then you will have many people who love you at your time of passing. That means there are many people who could make final decisions for you- so give this power to the one who understands you the best.
For me I have two people in my life that love me immensely. However, I trust one of those people more to understand my final wishes. I believe the other would try to do everything they could to show their love for me- just to extend my life for a few more days. But those are not my wishes. I trust the former to let me go at the right time, which is why I’ve chosen them as my medical power of attorney.
2. Beware of Heightened Emotions
Prioritize patient comfort, autonomy, and dignity over emotions like desperation, grief, or a “saviour complex”.
… I think I could write an entire book on that sentence alone, partially because it is much more easily said than done. But unfortunately, times of high stress tend to bring out the worst in people.
When I was sick in my 20’s, I had two people in my life that needed a lot of reassurance from me. It was draining and I already had very little energy. I ended up isolating myself from them in order to protect my feeble energy.
That would have been an awful way to spend my last days. I don’t want my actual death to be anything like that.
3. There Are Worse Things Than Death
Watching your loved one suffer is awful. Especially if their suffering causes them to be very different from their former self. Peace and dignity are gifts that we can extend to those we love at the end of their lives. It is a way to honour them.
Sometimes people can view this as “giving up too soon”. But there is a difference between someone who can potentially get better and someone who cannot.
If you are in the unfortunate latter situation, then knowing when to move the goal post from “keep someone alive at all costs” to “let them die well” is not always clear. But recognizing what “success” looks like with respect to your loved one- and recognizing that this can change over time- are crucial to you sorting out your own emotions and caring for your loved one in the best way possible.
4. Quality of Time is Better Than Quantity
Old age isn’t inherently a blessing. It is if you get to experience valuable moments like meeting grandchildren and great grandchildren but if you are not in a state to recognize them or connect with them, then the value of old age diminishes. Similarly, if you cannot do the things that once brought you joy, like knitting or puzzles, then the value of living many years decreases.
At 103, my grandfather still checks his stocks everyday. Whoever is caring for him will print them off from the family computer so he can pull out his graph paper and track the new developments. It is more of a hobby than serious investment for him at this stage of his life but it still brings him joy and purpose.
More so than focusing on the quantity of time that you have is intentionally living well during that time. Doing so will make the taste of old age a lot less bitter.
5. The Person You Are Throughout Your Life Will Determine How Many People Are At Your Sick Bed
In my life, I have seen enough examples of the presence and absence of those at a dying person’s sick bed to recognize the difference.
If a person dies unexpectedly, then their final moments might not be spent surrounded by loved ones. This can be a bitter scenario for both the person who dies and their loved ones.
But when death is known in advance and you still don’t have many people at your sick bed, then it is typically due to decades of behaviour on the part of the dying person.
Emotions like love, ambivalence, or hatred are typically built over years- decades. The presence of people at your death bed is determined by your long-term behaviour.
Do they feel safe around you? Will they miss you when you are gone? Did you make them a better person? Are all unsaid questions that hang in the air around a person’s death bed.
6. Care For Your Health So Others Don’t Have To
A large part of our death is out of our control. We don’t know where or when it will happen. We don’t know if it will be an accident or illness, or at the hand of another person. There is so much that we can never know, until it happens.
That being said, we have a lot of ability to stack the odds in our favour. Taking good care of your health is one way to do this. And if you take good care of yourself, then others don’t have to. It is a gift to family members. It means they can care for themselves and their own lives.
I don’t in any way want to shame anyone for needing care from their family. And sometimes this care can provide an unexpected blessing; a shared connection that draws you closer to your loved one.
But loved ones should not be treated as a healthcare insurance policy. They deserve more respect and autonomy than that.
My grandfather valued his independence until he was unable to do so. I admire this about him. In contrast, I know someone who readily expected aid from unwilling family members when he was in his mid-40’s. Many of this man’s premature health problems were entirely self-induced. Both of these men are still alive, but I predict that they will have very different death experiences.
Further Discussions
I tried not to go into too much detail in this post out of respect for those I spoke about. I do not want to speak carelessly about something as personal as medical issues or their approach to death on the internet. I am sure Hospice Nurse Penny experiences similar mixed feelings. (She does change names and identifying details when speaking about her patients online and in her book, though.)
However, I still have a lot to say. It is such a sensitive, yet worthwhile topic. Perhaps I will ask for permission to speak more candidly. My grandfather might have wisdom that he would like to share, or trust me to share on his behalf. If he would like, I have no problem being his voice.
He really enjoys discussing big issues in life and has never shied away from a topic like death. So I think he would really like this article and my blog in general- something he, and many others in my life do not know about. It might be a really nice thing to bond over. Perhaps I will read it to him- I think we would both really enjoy that.
What lessons has life taught you about death?
Messy Bun Book Lover
(Originally posted on Aug. 4, 2025)
Read Influencing Death by Penny Hawkins Smith → https://amzn.to/4951B1G
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